Living with a narcissist parent

17 Signs of a Narcissistic Parent & How to Deal With Them

Published: October 12, 2021 Updated: September 27, 2022

Published: 10/12/2021 Updated: 09/27/2022

A narcissistic parent is incredibly possessive of their children and feels threatened by their child developing any independence. Children of narcissistic parents generally experience humiliation and shame and grow up having poor self-esteem. Oftentimes, these children become adults that are high achievers, self-saboteurs, or both. Children hurt by this type of parent will need professional help to recover from narcissistic abuse.

You don’t need to face the fallout from narcissistic parents alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

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Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.¹

Not all parents have narcissistic personality disorder, but it’s not uncommon for a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father to display narcissistic tendencies, which can be just as damaging when rearing a child. Identifying the signs of narcissistic abuse can be difficult, but there are several common themes among narcissistic family members and parents.

Here are 17 possible signs of a narcissistic parent:

Constantly needing the conversation to be about them
Immature and selfish behavior
Bragging about your achievements to others, but rarely acknowledging you or supporting you emotionally
Blaming others for any problems you may have that actually stem from their own behavior
Being well-liked and important to others, but controlling and harsh when no one is looking
Making you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately
Making you feel guilty by boasting about how much they have done for you
Harshly opinionated at home but putting up a front for other people
Being ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything to be on top
Making you feel anxious and often lowering your confidence
Being absent for your life events
Making you engage in sports or other activities, despite your wishes
Failing to provide warmth and emotional nurturance in the relationship
Using you to attain personal gain
Being bothered and annoyed when you need time and attention
Making poor excuses to limit time together
Displaying sudden mood changes and volatile anger

How Narcissistic Parents Affect Your Mental Health

Being raised by a narcissist can take a severe toll on your mental wellbeing. In public, these parents are viewed as perfect and loving. But behind closed doors, they rage, scream, and criticize. The parent will control the child’s life, be possessive, and view the child as an extension of the parent.¹

Here are nine common traits of adult children who grow up with narcissistic parents:²

1. Indecision

Adult children of narcissistic parents fear that they will hurt someone else by choosing to do what’s right for them. They have been ‘trained’ to consider their parent’s needs first and foremost, and it is therefore hard for them to consider their own needs without feeling selfish for doing so. This indecision and guilt can be paralyzing.

2. Internalized Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. One example of a gaslighting parent is when they deny some experience from the past, invalidating their child’s feelings of the event.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave an adult child feeling that they have very little to offer. Growing up, their talents and skills may have been downplayed, ignored, or co-opted by the narcissistic parent who felt threatened by their child’s skills. Even when the now-adult experiences success, they may feel that they don’t deserve it—this can give rise to impostor syndrome.

3. Loyalty & Guilt for Moving On

Even after growing up amid lies, emotional manipulation, and abuse, it can be really difficult for adult children to step away from caring for and loving their narcissistic parent. They will likely feel guilty for trying to step away or input boundaries, and may even enter into relationships with partners who show narcissistic traits. A love that is based on manipulation and conditions is something that is known to them, whereas a love that is unconditional might seem quite terrifying.

4. No Focus on Their Own Needs

As the parent lives vicariously through their child, the child’s goals are ignored. The child learns that their goals and needs are not important. Their focus is on pleasing the parent to stay in their good graces. This may lead to anxiety as the child strives to be the perfect child – living up to the narcissist’s unrealistic desires. Depression may occur as a result of the child not meeting the parent’s expectations.

5. Chronic Self-Blame

Whether or not the parent is openly abusive to the child, they are usually emotionally unavailable and are too preoccupied with themselves and their own concerns to hear the pain of their child. In order to try to maintain the family unit, the child shies away from blaming their parent and instead takes all the blame on themselves.

This can continue into adulthood, where the adult child continues to take the blame for things that aren’t always their fault. They become the scapegoat in many situations in order to keep the peace.

6. Echoism

Echoists and Narcissists complement each other, as echoists fear becoming narcissists, or fear taking any attention away from them. Essentially, narcissistic parents can explode into anger or burst into tears without much warning, which forces their children to take up as little space as possible in order to avoid triggering one of these emotional outbursts (also fearing taking any attention away from the narcissist in the process).

It can feel like walking on eggshells; trying to do everything possible to avoid their parent having a meltdown.

7. Insecure Attachment

Adult children of a narcissist are likely to become insecurely attached to their parent, never experiencing that safe base that they need in order to feel comfortable exploring their environment.

The neglect, manipulation, or emotional absence of a parent can leave their child questioning how safe they will be able to feel in other people’s hands. This leads some adults to become fiercely independent, developing trust issues since they had no one else to rely upon. However, it can lead others to cling to their partners for love and demand the attention of their significant other at all times.

8. Constant Focus on Others’ Happiness

Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent will have organized their whole life and personality around the happiness of their parent, and will then grow up organizing their life around the happiness of others – many of them working in the helping profession.

9. Always on Edge

The parent’s behavior is unpredictable. They are unsure what will please the parent, thus causing feelings of being on edge. The child will feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. They will also learn that their parent’s kindness comes with conditions leaving the child feeling beholden to the parent.

11 Ways to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent

Confronting a narcissistic parent head-on will lead to a battle. Pointing out a narcissistic parent’s negative or undesired behavior challenges the perfect world created in their mind, resulting in feelings of shame and vulnerability. Remember, however, that your feelings and point of view are also important when dealing with a narcissist.

Here are 11 tips for how to deal with a narcissistic parent:

1. Realize What Is Happening

You will never win with a narcissist. A narcissistic parent thrives on their sense of control, and you will pay dearly if you do not bend to their will. Getting their needs met is more valuable than having a functional family structure. If you try to compromise, they will only manipulate the situation in their favor. You need to realize that this is not normal behavior.

2. Accept & Let Go

Trying to change a narcissist is nearly impossible unless the narcissist wants to change. Accepting who they are will reduce your anxiety. Remember, the negative words and actions aimed at you are really projections of how they feel about themselves, and they are deeply wounded people.

3. Resist Gaslighting Attempts

Unfortunately, it is common for a narcissistic parent to make their child feel crazy or delusional. A narcissistic parent will tell you it’s sunny outside during a hurricane. Ignoring these narcissistic phrases and working on your self-esteem and confidence is key to your survival.

4. Be Compassionate

Though they may not show it, deep down the narcissistic parent does care about you. Under that hard exterior is a highly sensitive individual that needs compassion and empathy from you.

5. Prioritize Self-Compassion

After having a difficult childhood that most likely lacked compassion, it is time you give that compassion to yourself. Pat yourself on the back for making it through this abusive parent-child relationship. Learn to self-soothe and give yourself all the compassion your parent couldn’t give you.

Recovering from such a childhood is not an easy process. It will take time. So, be patient and forgive yourself. It is okay to put your needs first. It is okay to take time for yourself. It is okay if you do not have the energy to support others. It is okay to say no without offering an explanation.

6. Lean on Other Support Systems

Children of narcissistic parents may often have difficulty validating their own children. Seeking out the support of others is key. Create your own social network through friends, co-workers, social clubs, etc. It may also be helpful to join a support group with others who had narcissistic parents.

7. Develop Confidence & Self-Worth

It is important to recognize your self-worth in spite of the insults from your narcissistic parent. Finding activities that increase your skills and abilities will help boost your confidence.

8. Assert Your Boundaries

A narcissistic parent will often test and cross your boundaries simply to prove that they can. They may show up uninvited to your home, break family rules to get you angry, or play favorites with your children. You must set firm boundaries and enforce consequences when they are crossed.

It may feel like you are disciplining a child, but be firm and clear as to why you are putting your foot down. You may even need to give them a timeout by asking them to leave if they do not follow the rules.

9. Be Transparent With Your Plans

You may be tempted into subtle or sneaky behaviors with your narcissistic parent, but try to avoid the practice. You may be better off to state your plans and intentions clearly and concisely.

Let them know that you recognize their undesirable or harmful behaviors, and express your course of action. This practice will eliminate their ability to act surprised by your reactions, and it will reduce the risk of you feeling guilty or regretful about your decisions later.

10. Predict Their Next Moves

Narcissists are complicated and complex, but at times, their behaviors are expected and predictable. Help yourself deal with a narcissistic parent by making predictions of their next action and how you’d like to react.

Even if you are inaccurate, there is some benefit to being prepared for their next move. It’s unlikely their narcissistic traits will simply stop, so staying thoughtful can help limit the future damage.

11. Walk Away

There is a tremendous amount of societal pressure to maintain family relationships, but these bonds may do more bad than good. Spend some time fully considering the prospect of ending the relationship temporarily or permanently. In some cases, it may be the only helpful option.

All of these tips are easier said than done. It’s hard to deal with a narcissistic parent on your own. This is why finding a therapist who is committed to your wellbeing is so important. If you’re ready to get the support you deserve, find a therapist who specializes in working with children of narcissistic parents. Get started here.

Help For Narcissistic Abuse

Individual Therapy – Get personalized help with recovering from narcissistic abuse from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp offers online sessions by video or text. Try BetterHelp

Support Groups – You are not alone in dealing with a narcissist. Sesh offers over 100 different support groups per month, with at least once a week focused on narcissism. First Month Free

Books On Narcissism – See our handpicked selection of Narcissism Books List

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp and Sesh.

How to Heal From Narcissistic Parents

Most people will not understand the emotional toll you experience with a narcissistic parent. Seeking help from people with no experience of narcissism will only leave you feeling silly. Even if they tell you about problematic family members, it will not compare. It is hard to put into words your experiences in a way that others can understand.

If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:

Low self-esteem
Anxiety or depression
Codependency in other relationships
Poor boundaries
Being a people-pleaser
Inability to say “no”
Chronic guilt
Emptiness
Inability to express or handle emotions
Trust issues
Anger, confusion, stress,

Treatment for adult children of narcissists is very personal, so it is important to work with a provider who understands your experience and makes you feel safe. Make sure they understand narcissistic personality disorder and recovery from narcissistic abuse or trauma.

Finding a Therapist for Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from a narcissistic parent can be a long process. Finding a therapist can be made easier by using an online therapist directory. Most sessions can be covered by insurance while self-pay costs typically range from $85 – $150. It could take months or years for a full recovery, but seeking professional help is the best way to heal.

Is Having a Narcissistic Parent All Bad?

Certainly, most people would not actively choose to have a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, but if you are a combination of resilient and fortunate, positives could emerge.

Some of the possible benefits of having a narcissistic parent include:

Better awareness of personality disorders. Navigating life with a personality disordered parent will serve as a great education in the world of mental health. This process can help you identify and manage issues in your friendships, romantic relationships, and in the workplace
The ability to distinguish someone’s words from their behaviors. A narcissistic parent may often say one thing and do the other. The incongruence can be jarring to a child, but learning how people display this inconsistency can encourage you to seek out people who are stable and reliable.
Increased thoughtfulness. Narcissistic parents can hurt by trying to make their wants your wants. When you can shed this burden, you can spend more time thinking about what you truly want and what direction you’d like to take your life.
Improved sense of self. In a similar fashion, narcissistic parents may think they know you better than you know yourself. Without their influence, you can identify who you are apart from them and their influence.
Independence. Personality disorders are frequently about control. Once you find freedom, you will never put yourself in that situation again. The autonomy you find will feel so compelling and rewarding.

Spinning a negative situation into a positive is not easy, and some will never have the opportunity to do so. If you can break away from the narcissistic influence, seek out the good to minimize the past.

How to Support a Loved One Dealing With Narcissistic Parents

Children of narcissistic parents are unaware of the life-long effect that will disrupt their life if left untreated. To support a loved one dealing with narcissistic parents or narcissistic abuse, you must first educate yourself on the disorder. Read articles and watch videos on the topic.

Here are some ways to support a loved one who has narcissistic parents:

Avoid blaming them, as they are the victim in the scenario
Be compassionate and listen to their story
Validate their feelings
Help them to create a safe space to share their experience
Remember that they have been trained to accept this behavior
Be patient with them during their healing process

Final Thoughts

I know first hand of the struggles of dealing with a narcissistic parent. You are not alone. Talking to a therapist or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member can make a big difference in how you feel.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com – The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started

Mindfulness.com (App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Mindfulness.com, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles, BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Mindfulness.com

2 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

McBride, K. (2009). Will I ever be good enough?; Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. Atria Books. ISBN-10 : 1439129436
Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The secret to recognizing and coping with narcissists. Harper Collins.

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

Originally Published: January 5th, 2021
Original Author: Nakpangi Thomas, PhD, LPC, TITC-CT
Original Reviewer: Pat Bass III, MD, MS, MPH
Updated: October 12, 2021
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for readability; added more signs; added more tips for coping; added the section, “Is Having a Narcissistic Parent All Bad?” New material written by Eric Patterson, LPC and reviewed by Dena Westphalen, PharmD.

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7 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother & How to Cope

Published: July 21, 2021 Updated: November 8, 2022

Published: 07/21/2021 Updated: 11/08/2022

Children rely on their parents for love, support, and consistency. If a parent neglects these emotional needs, it can adversely affect the child’s development. A mother with narcissistic personality disorder cannot give their children adequate attention and nurturing. Their entitlement often results in them mistreating their children. Additionally, a narcissistic mother will tend to use her children as a prop or device to meet her own needs.

You don’t have to deal with the impacts of narcissism alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex condition. Therefore, understanding the signs of a narcissistic parent is essential for anyone who suspects their parents may have this disorder. Narcissistic abuse can be insidious, but many children grow up believing the toxicity in their household is perfectly reasonable. They often also blame themselves for the distress.

Here are seven signs your mother is a narcissist:

1. She Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, parents respect their child’s boundaries. Even if they don’t always agree with their child’s choice, they understand that they cannot control their every move. People with NPD struggle with this.

Narcissistic mothers have an exaggerated need for control and power, and they will often trample over someone’s boundaries to get what they want. For example, a mother with NPD might claim she was “just in the neighborhood and trying to be nice” after showing up to your house unannounced (after you’ve made it clear that you want her to call you in advance before visiting).

2. She Lacks Empathy (or Seems to Turn Empathy On & Off)

Most parents feel immense pain when their child is in pain. Subsequently, they also try to attune to their child’s likes, dislikes, and personal needs. In fact, many parents often have a sense of guilt or shame when they misattune with their children.

This dynamic plays out differently in narcissistic relationships. Research shows that children of parents with NPD tend to report their parents lack empathy and showed limited interest in their emotional needs.¹ They also indicate feeling “invisible,” as if their mother can’t take the time or energy to truly see or understand them.

3. She Seemingly Competes With You

Most parents want what’s best for their children. In fact, there is a common notion that parents want their children to have a better life than they ever had.

But narcissistic mothers often compete with their children, particularly with daughters. They may resent their youth, beauty, and success. As a result, they might either criticize their children for being “too vain” or “stupid” or “selfish.” Or, they might try to sabotage them in some way.

4. She Gaslights You

Gaslighting is a complex term, but it essentially refers to a form of psychological abuse intended to make another person feel crazy.²

Gaslighting comes in many different forms, but it may present as:

Being told you’re overreacting or dramatic for having a feeling.
Lying about the behavior (even when confronted).
Trying to convince you that it was just a joke.
Telling you that you’re misunderstanding or misremembering details.
Trying to change how you feel (“you should be grateful!”)

5. She Only Treats You Well in Public

A narcissistic mom can act like two entirely different people. When nobody is looking, they might be cruel, dismissive, or largely detached.

But when she’s out in public, they may be showing you off, bragging about your accomplishments, or acting lovingly towards you. Unfortunately, this rarely comes from a place of a genuine concern for your needs. Instead, these efforts usually have more to do with them wanting to uphold an image of being a perfect parent.

6. She Often Presents as the Victim

Narcissism correlates with feeling unique and different from other people. As a result, a narcissistic mom may manipulate the situation to garner sympathy and attention. For example, she might often complain about feeling singled out or misunderstood. If an adverse event happens, it may even seem like she revels in the drama it invariably brings.

7. She Takes Advantage of Others

People with narcissism often avoid personal accountability and use other people to satisfy their needs. In addition, they often bend societal rules to fit into their preconceived notions of how things should work.

Subsequently, a narcissistic mother might always try to “get a deal” or “pull a fast one” on someone. Often, they pick friends based on what those friends can potentially offer rather than by how those friendships feel.

Help For Narcissistic Abuse

Individual Therapy – Get personalized help with recovering from narcissistic abuse from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp offers online sessions by video or text. Try BetterHelp

Support Groups – You are not alone in dealing with a narcissist. Sesh offers over 100 different support groups per month, with at least once a week focused on narcissism. First Month Free

Books On Narcissism – See our handpicked selection of Narcissism Books List

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp and Sesh.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother

Dealing with narcissism is undoubtedly challenging. But coping with narcissism when it comes to your own mother may seem downright impossible. While you may never have an ideal relationship, you can take specific steps to protect your well-being and honor your personal needs. While you can’t control your mother’s actions, you can look after yourself.

Educate Yourself on Narcissism

Narcissism is a confusing topic, and new research shows there are likely different subtypes of narcissism.³ Educating yourself on this condition can help you understand your mother’s behavior more objectively.

Stop Blaming Yourself

If your narcissistic mother constantly belittled, shamed, or condemned you, their behaviors probably took a massive toll on your self-esteem. You may have grown up truly believing you were the problem. That’s not the case- children deserve love, respect, and compassion. Remember that NPD is a mental illness, and it’s not your fault your mother acted the way she did.

Implement Boundaries Firmly

Unfortunately, you probably know that your mother doesn’t handle boundaries well. At the same time, you might struggle to identify or set them because you don’t want to trigger a blowout.

That said, boundaries are only as effective as your willingness to reinforce them. Take some time to consider your limits, identify and own them, and communicate them clearly and definitively.⁴

Practice Grey Rocking

Many people embrace the “grey rock method” to avoid narcissistic abuse. This method can be effective if you have to maintain some contact with your mother, but you want to limit arguments or heightened emotions.

The gray rock method basically refers to disengaging from the other person. You make a conscious effort to act uninterested, bored, or unresponsive. You might respond with one-word answers and ignore them instead of picking arguments. Over time, your mother will become frustrated, but she may also start looking elsewhere to stir drama.

Find Support

Reach out to others who will validate your fears and struggles. Make it a point to surround yourself with loving people who have your best interest in mind.

Stop Trying to Change Her

Personality disorders are known for being challenging to treat, and it’s incredibly difficult for a narcissist to change.⁵ Treatment often requires some motivation, willingness, and a desire to change. Because your mother may not even recognize she has a problem, trying to change her often backfires into more manipulation and abuse.

Instead, try to focus on acceptance. This is your mother. You can’t change the past, but you can focus on how you want to take care of yourself today and move forward.

Consider No-Contact

In some cases, taking a no-contact approach may be the best decision. No contact is exactly what it sounds like- you eliminate all forms of communication with your mother. This strategy may be best if nothing else has worked- or if you simply feel ready to end the relationship.

When & How a Therapist Can Help

Therapy can help you sort through some of the complicated emotions associated with narcissism. If you have a narcissistic mother, therapy provides a safe place to process your relationship and explore new ways to cope.

In some cases, group therapy may be beneficial. You might consider searching for a group focused exclusively on children of parents with NPD. Twelve-step groups may also provide reassurance and solutions.

When searching for a therapist, look for a professional with experience treating children of parents with NPD. Furthermore, if you have any other mental health issues, consider finding a therapist with relevant expertise. Using a professional directory can help you vet the best professionals and narrow down your choices.

Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Mothers

Growing up with a narcissistic mother isn’t easy. Maintaining a relationship now may feel even more disturbing or complicated. That said, you can learn how to move forward and prioritize your well-being. Even if you can’t change your mother, you can change how you respond, adapt, and take care of yourself.

Additional Resources

Mindfulness.com (App) – Mindfulness and meditation can change your life. In a few minutes a day with Mindfulness.com, you can start developing mindfulness and meditation skills. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles, BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, and Mindfulness.com

5 sources

The impact of parental narcissistic traits on self-esteem in adulthood. (2014). Smith ScholarWorks. Retrieved from: https://scholarworks.smith.edu/theses/845/
The Sociology of Gaslighting. (2019). American Sociological Review. Retrieved from: https://www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf.
Narcissism between facets and domains. The relationships between two types of narcissism and aspects of the Big Five. (2021). Retrieved from: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-019-0147-1.
Establishing Effective Personal Boundaries. (2015). Vanderbilt University Medical Center. Retrieved from: https://www.vumc.org/health-wellness/news-resource-articles/establishing-effective-personal-boundaries.
Help for personality disorders. (2010). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from: https://www. apa.org/topics/personality-disorders/help.

If you are in need of immediate medical help:

Medical
Emergency
911

Suicide Hotline
800-273-8255

If your parent is a narcissist

20,301

A person among people

It is better to love a narcissist from a distance, especially if it is your parent. Julia Al Hall, author of a blog dedicated to this problem, is convinced of this: “Recognizing that one or both parents are narcissists is a long and painful journey. This is because even grown children continue to dream of love and approval.

The healthiest choice is to cut off all contact with your parents, or communicate with them as little as possible. “Creating distance between your parents and you means that you have parted with the illusion that they can change,” explains Julia L Hall.

Here are some tips to help keep contact with narcissistic parents to a minimum.

1. Realize that health and well-being are most important

As a child, you did everything possible to please your parents, believing that your interests were secondary. It's time to change priorities. “It's important to set boundaries,” says Julia L Hall. “I decided to nullify communication with my parents only when I became seriously ill.” Once bedridden, Julia realized that she could no longer endure the stress that her mother had been the source of.

Today her relationship with her mother is much better. “We didn’t communicate for two years, but then I took my mother to me - she had cancer, and I had to take care of her. But I set boundaries that weren't discussed, and she even learned to communicate with my daughter."

2. Learn to step back and set boundaries

If you want to free yourself and become an independent person from your parents, you must learn to step back and not react to their behavior. Set healthy boundaries: Communicate via email or short phone calls, says psychotherapist Linda Martinez-Lewie, author of Living with a Narcissist: Treatment and Recovery.

State your position without pretensions or accusations, and then stick to the boundaries you set.

“E-mail communication should be limited to superficial topics. If a parent continues to terrorize an adult child, it may be time to cut contact completely, although this is not an easy decision,” Linda shares.

3. Don't get into a confrontation

It is useless to complain and show a list of parental mistakes - he does not accept criticism. This can only make the situation worse.

“Narcissists are not aware of responsibility to other people and are incapable of empathy, so confrontation will bring you even more pain, frustration and anger. State your position without pretensions or accusations, and then firmly stick to the boundaries you set,” advises Caryl McBride, family therapist, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters from Narcissistic Mothers.

4. Be prepared for the fact that the parent will not agree to a break in communication

These parents usually do not see the child as a separate individual with unique needs and may act aggressively to maintain control over the child's life.

“Setting boundaries means respecting yourself. It’s a slow process that involves the ability to identify your needs, realize that they are important, and learn how to defend them,” says Darlene Lanser, family therapist, author of the book “How to overcome shame and codependency: 8 steps to freeing the real you.”

5. Don't blame yourself for the way the relationship worked out.

Children of narcissists often feel guilty about being manipulated by their parents. But you are an adult, and it's time for you to understand that it's all about the behavior of your parents. It makes you move away from them.

“Narcissistic parents know how to shed a tear as soon as their children talk about their needs, and do everything to make the children feel guilty. Until you realize your own innocence, you will allow them to interfere in your life, ”says psychologist Fred Malkin, author of the book Rethinking Narcissism.

Relationships with such parents defy normal logic. They already ruined your childhood, don't let them ruin the rest of your life.

Text: Alexandra Galimova Photo Source: Getty Images

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People who are called narcissists often function successfully in life. In communication, they give the impression of charming and gifted personalities. Their self-control is better developed than those suffering from borderline personality disorder or regressive features.

In the clinic, I often work with such people or patients raised by narcissistic parents. They have some peculiarities:

In communication with others, they often mention themselves or talk about themselves.
They have an increased need for love and admiration.
They need to be constantly reminded how special they are.

The narcissist is torn apart by internal contradictions between a sense of his own importance and value and the opposite sense of his own insignificance, which he tries to fight, getting the attention and admiration of others. Because of this, communication is difficult and discouraging. At first you feel that they are in dire need of special attention and care, and soon they no longer need it, and criticism will be the answer to attention.

Abrupt changes within the same conversation, as well as other personal characteristics of narcissists, create such problems in communicating with them.

If you had such parents, you probably had problems with spontaneity, creativity and play. Imagination and spontaneity were stifled by constant tension - you couldn't afford to relax even for a second. They did not understand what was happening, due to the unpredictable and contradictory behavior of the parents. In severe cases, you may have experienced psychological trauma.

One of my patients said: “I was afraid to go home. When my father was at home, it was very difficult. His mood could change unpredictably in the blink of an eye. One day I come home, and he just brought everyone a few pieces of cake. I was very happy and told him about it. But before I finished the first bite, his mood changed dramatically. He decided that I didn't really like the cake and would have preferred something else.

He said that he noticed something in my facial expression that he did not like, and began to literally interrogate me, and eventually accused me of ingratitude. Everything could end very unpleasantly. I lost heart, realizing that I could not change anything. I still had a piece of cake in my mouth, and he began to get angry and accuse me of ingratitude.

I burst into tears before finishing my meal, and as a result I got my face dirty, which pissed him off even more. All this was terrible, but quite typical and expected. When the father was very angry, he could turn to physical violence. Coming back from school, I thought with horror what would happen this time if he was at home.

Unpredictability in parental behavior can be psychologically traumatic for a child, especially when it comes to physical assault

If you grew up in such conditions, it will most likely be very difficult for you to reveal your creative potential and your talents.

Other long-term effects are possible. Children of parents with this trait often find partners with similar personality problems.

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