Home » Misc » How to get out of a verbal abuse relationship

How to get out of a verbal abuse relationship


How to Handle Verbal Abuse in Your Relationship

Verbal abuse can be difficult to identify and, regrettably, it can also be a common type of abuse in some relationships. Masters of manipulation, verbal abusers can damage your self-esteem while simultaneously appearing to care deeply for you. The use of words to punish is a very covert attempt to control, and regardless of how loving your spouse may appear to be, verbal abuse is insidious—and can be as harmful as physical abuse.

What Is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse is an act of violence with speech, which can include forcefully criticizing, insulting, or denouncing another person.

"Verbal abuse can be any way a partner uses their language to exert control in the relationship," says Amelia Peck, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "It can be speech that is used to make a partner feel less valued or important in the relationship." Verbal abuse often targets someone's insecurities, but it can vary in form, ranging from shouting and humiliation to more subtle and manipulative tactics.

Meet the Expert

Amelia Peck is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 10 years of experience. She offers online therapy services for clients based in New York and California.

Physical abuse is easily identifiable. There is no doubt that if you've been hit or injured by your partner, you have been abused. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal, and there are no physical bruises or scars—just a wounded spirit. While both can have long-term effects like low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and more, emotional abuse can be difficult to define without knowing the signs.

If you're concerned that you may be experiencing verbal abuse, read on to learn about signs to watch out for in your relationship.

Common Signs of Verbal Abuse

They Call You Names

Negative name-calling is a sign of verbal abuse. If the name feels like a put-down to you, it likely was meant to be. Some names are unquestionably abusive, while others are more like backhanded compliments. These can be harder to identify—but trust your gut. Verbal abusers often use "constructive" criticism to negatively affect their partner's self-esteem. "Generally speaking, verbal abusers use their words to target insecurities and feelings of shame in their partners," says Peck.

If your spouse is constantly criticizing you “for your own good,” consider it a red flag. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.

They Put You Down

Critical, sarcastic, or mocking words that are meant to put you down (either alone or in front of other people) are a type of abuse. These may be comments about the way you dress, how you talk, or your intelligence. Any comments that make you feel inferior or ashamed are often intentional by the abuser. "When a partner is verbally abusive, they do not have equality in the relationship at the center of their values," says Peck. "They work to make their partner feel 'less-than' to gain a sense of power in the relationship." 

They Raise Their Voice

When a spouse resorts to yelling without much provocation, you may be understandably worried that anything you say will set them off. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells and have to censor what you say around them, it's not a good sign. If your partner is emotionally volatile and shouts to intimidate you, you probably won't feel safe in the relationship.

They Use Threats to Intimidate You

Threats to your life or your body can create fear—whether they're empty or not. No threat should be taken lightly. Even if your spouse tells you they're only joking, there shouldn't be concerns about your safety in a healthy relationship. It's especially important to take a threat seriously if it causes you to change your behavior or feel on guard.

They Blame You for Their Actions

If your spouse loses their temper, do they blame you for their actions or subsequent behavior? This is called victim-blaming, and it's a sign of verbal abuse frequently associated with narcissistic personalities. The reasons or excuses they describe may be intentionally convoluted to confuse you, resulting in your apologies for their actions. They may then be overly affectionate to make you believe that they never really hurt you.

"It’s important to remember that people in abusive relationships aren’t always experiencing volatile abuse 100 percent of the time," says Peck. "Often, after an abusive episode, couples make up and have a sort of 'honeymoon phase' for a bit. This is a piece that leads to emotional complexity and leads victims to justify their partner’s abuse or take the blame for it."

They Dismiss Your Feelings

When your spouse refuses to discuss issues that upset you, they might be avoiding responsibility. Conversations about actions and words that hurt you are ended, and issues that reflect poorly on their behavior are dismissed. This is also a form of gaslighting: Concerns are ignored, and your partner insists that certain events "didn't happen" or you're remembering things wrong. Gaslighting can make you question your own reality, leading back to a cycle of victim-blaming.

"Many clients of mine who have experienced or are experiencing verbal abuse in a relationship are also feeling the effects of emotional abuse and gaslighting," says Peck. "They often report their partners telling them they feel a certain way, which is contradicting what they really feel (or think they really feel; the abuse makes that emotional awareness very challenging for some victims)." 

They Manipulate You

The persistent, and intense, use of threatening words may lead you to do things or act in ways you find uncomfortable. This form of verbal abuse is common at the end of a marriage. If your spouse doesn't want a divorce, they'll say whatever it takes to play on your emotions and keep you in the marriage. It's an attempt to make you comply with their desires—regardless of what's best for you as an individual.

Signs You Are a Victim of Verbal Abuse

You Have Low Self-Esteem

You find yourself burying your feelings, trying not to upset your partner, and working so hard at keeping the peace that every day becomes an emotional chore. You may feel depressed or wonder sometimes if you're crazy. You turn your stress inward. Punishing yourself for your partner's behavior, you feel like it's all happening in your head. Peck says her clients report that verbal and emotional abuse "leads them to believe anything wrong in the relationship is their fault or that their lack of happiness or satisfaction in the relationship is a result of them not trying hard enough."

You Feel Like a Different Person

When someone abuses you, it can change the way you feel about yourself. You become so caught up in the relationship and trying to avoid upsetting your partner that you abandon the person you used to be. You lose your voice and let go of personal boundaries. If you find yourself justifying abuse in your relationship for any reason when in the past you would have never imagined putting up with the behavior, it's probably time to seek help.

"Often, I hear clients say a justification for staying in the relationship was that 'at least' the abuse wasn’t physical," says Peck. "Physical or not, the abuse is real, and when I hear people use this type of justification in their narrative, it makes me realize how much they’ve had to repress their own feelings and emotions and have struggled to find their own voice in their life," says Peck.

You Feel Like You're Walking on Eggshells

If you don't have feelings of safety and security when your partner is around, you may feel the need to guard every word you speak. Everything you do or say is never good enough. When you feel like you can't be yourself to the fullest extent, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship and the role you want to play in it. "When I hear people say they’re too afraid to say something because of how their partner will respond, in a way that seems to trigger some sense of fear, I begin to assess for signs of abuse or safety concerns," says Peck.

How to Respond to Verbal Abuse in a Relationship

Abuse is never justified. Remind yourself that it is not your fault—and consider your options for walking away when you experience it. If the person you love is verbally abusive and dismissive of your feelings, you might not see yourself (and your needs) as important. You are. "Listen to those feelings that go against what you know is right for you. If you’re being told in any way your feelings, thoughts, emotions aren’t valued, it’s time to reach out for some support to help you get into a healthier space," says Peck.

When you realize you are being abused, try to focus on getting help. Here are some dos and donts to consider if you're faced with verbal abuse:

  • Do: Seek counseling with a relationship therapist, either together or separately.
  • Do: Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends who can validate your experiences. Discuss with them what is happening and how you're feeling.
  • Do: Communicate with your abuser about their hurtful words, and discuss that this behavior is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept in a relationship.
  • Do: Leave the marriage or relationship (when nothing else helps). If you make this decision, hire an attorney familiar with domestic violence, stay in close contact with your support system, and focus on learning positive coping skills.
  • Do: Seek out a shelter if you feel that you are in danger after taking steps to leave the relationship.
  • Don't: Engage in conflict with your abuser. If your abuser becomes angry, stay calm, walk away, and don’t give them a reaction.
  • Don't: Blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors.
  • Don't: Stay in a relationship with someone who is hurting you
  • Don't: Tell yourself that you don't deserve to be treated better.
  • Don't: Ignore your thoughts, feelings, and instincts.

Even though verbal abuse doesn't leave a visible mark, those who experience it still suffer emotionally. Your experience should not be dismissed. By showing yourself the care you'd show for others, you can start on the road toward a fulfilling future. "The more clear and aware you get of yourself as a person, your values, standards, boundaries, the more you’re going to be aware when you are in a relationship with someone who does not respect those things," says Peck.

7 Signs of a Bad Marriage, According to a Marriage Therapist

Are You In a Verbally Abusive Relationship? (And What to Do About It)

“Shut up!!”“Don’t be so lazy!!” “What’s wrong with you?”

These types of phrases frequently come out of people’s mouths every day. So, is there really anything wrong with saying them? I mean, we have all said some of these things ourselves – or at very least had these thoughts.

But is it verbal abuse?

It depends.

You might think it’s obvious if you’re being a victim of a verbally abusive relationship. It may be to some people, but others may not recognize it.

For example, if you grew up with parents who talked to you (and each other) respectfully, then you will probably be able to spot verbal abuse a mile away. I’m like that. I don’t even like if someone slightly raises their voice to me. I will politely call them out on it and ask them to calm down.

However, if you grew up in a family where there was a lot of yelling, fighting, and screaming, then you might not be able to recognize verbal abuse when you see it.

Why would that be? It’s because that pattern of communication is “normal” to you. It’s your comfort zone. It’s what you grew up with, so it’s all you know.

But just because it’s familiar to you, that doesn’t make it right. Verbal abuse is NEVER justified in any situation.

Let’s start off by looking at some general characteristics of verbal abuse.

Table of Contents

  1. What is a verbal abuse?
    • Examples of verbal abuse
  2. What you can do if you're being verbally abused
  3. Final thoughts

What is a verbal abuse?

Verbal abuse can basically be described as any communication event that causes emotional damage to at least one person. If this pattern continues, it has the power to seriously damage the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. They may even begin to believe that what the abuser says about them is true.

While verbal abuse is always hurtful, it’s not always overt – like angry outbursts. Sometimes it is covert such as making very subtle negative comments here and there.

Above all else, verbal abuse is meant to manipulate and control the victim.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

Now that you know the definition of verbal abuse, let’s take a look at some examples so you can recognize it if it happens to you or someone else you know.

Examples of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse comes in many forms, and these are just a few examples.

1. “Teasing” and “joking”

This is one of the more covert tactics used by verbal abusers. It’s meant to confuse the victim.

For example, a man might call his wife his “big butterball” and say it with a smile on his face and a somewhat endearing tone – or perhaps even chuckling. What he’s really saying is that he thinks she’s fat. It’s a criticism disguised as a joke or teasing… but it’s not funny.

2. Trivializing

Let’s say you come home from work and tell the abuser that you had a bad day, and that your boss is being mean to you. They would tell you to get over it or call you a cry baby. They don’t take your feelings into account because they don’t find them important.

3. Diverting

Let’s say that you want to talk to someone about how to improve your relationship.

Normal people would sit and hear you out and respond appropriately. But a verbal abuser will divert the conversation to a topic that they want to talk about – not what you want to talk about. They are avoiding giving you the power to talk about what you want.

4. Judging and criticizing

If someone is always saying what you say or do is wrong, then that’s verbal abuse.

For example, maybe you just cleaned the whole house and you’re proud of yourself. An abuser would come home and find something you missed, like dusting or a spot on the floor. Or perhaps they criticize how you look or how you act. This is meant to tear down your self-esteem so they can control you.

5. Degrading

If you hear things like, “You should be grateful you found me, because you’re unlovable. No one would ever put up with your crap but me!” then that is degrading.

It’s making you think that you are lower than low – and that they are better than you.

6. Accusing

An abuser will accuse others of anything and everything. Maybe they are constantly suspecting you of cheating on them. Or that you told a lie. Or anything else for that matter.

They’re always finding ways to accuse other people of doing things that they might not even have done.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

7. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a purposeful tactic that is done to manipulate and brainwash someone into doubting their own sanity. When this occurs over time, it affects their self-identity and perception.

For example, they might say things like, “Why are you making this up?” or “It’s all in your head” or “You never said that. ” They make you question yourself so they can gain the power and the upper hand.

8. Name-calling

If you hear someone call you bad names such as “loser,” “lazy,” “sloppy,” or even the “b” or “c” word, then that’s not okay.

Even if someone is lazy, that doesn’t mean you have to call them lazy. Calling someone bad names is NEVER acceptable.

9. Disregards your opinions and ideas

When you share an idea or an opinion, a verbal abuser will just shoot it down and disregard it.

Even if it’s something like “Hey I’d like to go to McDonald’s for lunch because I’ve been craving a Big Mac.” An abuser would tell you all the reasons why you shouldn’t go there and have it. They’ll make your ideas seem ludicrous and make you second-guess yourself.

10. Swearing at you

Sure, most people use swear words. But normal people don’t make a habit out of slewing a ton of profanities your way on a regular basis.

If someone is constantly using swear words with you, especially when combined with anger, then that is verbal abuse.

11. Pointing out your flaws and mistakes constantly

Maybe they say you’re too fat, or too skinny, or too dumb or too… well, anything.

If someone is constantly pointing out what is wrong with you, or what mistakes you have made in your life, then that is verbal abuse.

We all have flaws and have made mistakes, but no one needs to point them out on a regular basis.

12. Threats

Threats can come in all shapes and forms. It could be a threat to harm or hurt you – or even kill you. Or it could be a threat that they might harm or hurt themselves in order to manipulate you.

Threatening some undesirable action is an attempt to guilt, manipulate, and scare you into behaving how they want you to behave.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

13. Blaming

An abuser NEVER takes personal responsibility for anything. Instead, he or she places the blame on everyone and anyone other than themselves.

Even when it’s obvious that the abuser did something wrong, they will fight to the death to “prove” someone else it to blame, not themselves.

14. Ordering you around

Abusers need to have total control. Therefore, they typically are bossy and order their victims around.

They might limit how often you leave the house, or how many showers you can take per week. Or even something simple like what they want to have for dinner that night. If they are acting more like a parent to you, then this is verbal abuse.

What you can do if you’re being verbally abused

Your first instinct is probably to get the abuser to reason with you or to calm down. Unfortunately, this rarely works, so eventually you will have to stop trying to reason with them because they are just incapable of rational thought when they are abusing you.

Instead, you need to do the following things:

1.
Call them out on their abusive behavior

For example, if they call you a “loser,” you need to respond with something like, “Calling me negative names is not helping this situation, so please stop. Besides I know I’m not a loser, so you can never convince me that I am.”

Here’s another example:

If you’re late getting home because of traffic, they might yell at you and call you names. In a situation like that, you should say, “Stop blaming me for something that I had no control over.”

Calling them out on their bad behavior takes away their power. Suddenly, they know you are on to them and recognize their manipulative tactics.

You see, verbal abusers like easy targets. So, if you just sit there and take the abuse, it will continue.

But if you tell them to stop, they won’t like it and will either have to try to change their behavior or go find someone else that they can verbally abuse – because you will no longer allow it.

2. Remove yourself from the situation

If you can leave, then leave. Go into your bedroom. Go for a drive. Go for a walk.

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

Just get out of the situation and tell them that you won’t talk to them until they can talk calmly and respectfully to you.

3. Remove yourself from the relationship if at all possible

If all else fails, you might have to do this.

You know it’s time to really let to and move on when you experience these 21 things.

I know that’s not possible with certain relationships (such as a parent/child scenario), but it is with some. Sometimes that’s the only thing left to do. And then get help.

Final thoughts

As Dr. Phil always says:

“We teach people how to treat us.”

In other words, what we allow from other people will continue. If we allow them to treat us with disrespect, they will continue to do so.

But if we only tolerate respectful and peaceful treatment, then you won’t settle for anything less.

It all starts with self-love. You have to love and respect yourself enough to now allow abuse from another person. Here you can learn what to do to love yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror, and promise yourself that you are better than this. You deserve to be happy.

Featured photo credit: Aliyah Jamous via unsplash.com

How to deal with aggression: 10 simple and effective ways

Posted on Nov 5, 2019

Every man is capable of showing aggression from time to time, which can be caused by lack of time, workload, stress and negative emotions. Sometimes, even because of some trifle, caring and attentive representatives of the stronger sex can become unbalanced, and this negatively affects not only themselves, but also the people around them. That is why the question of how to deal with aggression is so relevant.

If a man rarely lets off steam, then most likely it is due to a combination of circumstances and fatigue, but if an aggressive state is the norm for him, you should think about it... when offending and harming another person. And so that negative emotions stop taking over you, let's figure out what aggression is and how to deal with it?

Aggression - what is it?

Like other types of psychological condition, aggression is an integral part of the life of each individual and society as a whole. The phenomenon of aggressive behavior is usually associated with negative emotions, motives, attitudes and actions.

Aggression is an attack, a desire to subjugate others, which has a powerful attraction, because many people reject such hostility in words, but at the same time often show it in everyday life. Inadequate behavior is directed at other people and objects, at oneself, and it is expressed in: threats, slander, coercion, conflict and the use of physical force. The most serious manifestation of this condition is violence - sexual, physical or emotional.

Very often at work or in public places you can meet a man who, swearing with someone, venting his anger and rage, can literally tear and throw. This happens until the moment when the negative emotions that cause aggression subside or disappear altogether. After that, an aggressive person, explaining his behavior, can say that he just has a difficult character, and live on with a clear conscience.

But this is not a solution, because during even a small quarrel, energy is lost and the nervous system of all participants in the conflict is depleted. To avoid unnecessary stress and the reputation of a brawler, you need to apply several methods that will help you cope with negative emotions.

Ways to deal with aggression

  1. Take your mind off the situation

If something does not work out, then you can try to influence the course of the situation by simply changing it. When negative emotions begin to guide you and enter into an aggressive state, the best option would be to simply leave the place where you are at the moment. In this case, such an act will be the most reasonable way out. Take a walk in the park, enjoy the great weather, dream and, returning after some time, you will be able to take a fresh look at a difficult situation.

  1. Exhale and count to 10

The most effective way to help calm down is proper breathing. When you feel yourself getting irritated, just exhale slowly and count to 10.

  1. Develop patience

Remember, you are not perfect, so try to develop and cultivate a tolerant attitude towards others. Moreover, do not pay attention to minor irritants, because they are not worth it. Be a real man!

  1. Don't shout

If during an argument you say what you wanted to shout in a quiet and slow voice, you will be able not only to cope with the growing aggression, but also to look at the problem from the other side. Indeed, due to the fact that you will speak in an unnatural voice for yourself, you will get the impression that this situation is happening to someone else, but certainly not to you.

  1. Bite your lip

During the growing irritation, do something unpleasant for you, for example, you can pinch your hand or bite your lip. This will help to distract for a while and see the situation in a different light.

  1. Practice calm presence skills

An excellent option, in a moment of emotional stress, may be the following technique: sit on a chair and imagine that you are a calm expanse of a lake, while the water in it reflects reality. Thus, you will take away all negative thoughts and emotions from yourself, which means you will get rid of aggression.

  1. Laugh more

Surprisingly, but a very effective way to quickly get rid of the excited state is laughter. Positive emotions not only improve mood, but also charge with positive. Remember a funny anecdote, and the irritation from what is happening will instantly disappear.

  1. Change places with another person

Put yourself in the other person's shoes during the escalating conflict and try to imagine the emotions and feelings that your opponent is experiencing. Do not get annoyed, but try to discuss everything peacefully. This will help not only to achieve the missing understanding, but also to distract from the controversial situation.

  1. Get more rest

As a rule, the main symptoms that trigger the onset of aggression are fatigue and stress. Lack of sleep can be the main cause of irritability. Therefore, allocate more time for sleep and start the morning with a healthy breakfast consisting of porridge and freshly squeezed juice.

  1. Go in for sports

Find time in your busy schedule to exercise. Do not accumulate irritability, hatred and anger in yourself - beat the boxing pear. For example, in order for negative emotions to stop “commanding”, you can do special yoga for men, which will teach you to control your aggression and relax.

There are many options when looking for a solution to how to deal with aggression. However, no matter what happens, you need to try to remain patient and calm, not to allow anything negative to penetrate into your life. It is important to remember that all bad things pass, but good things always remain.

Of course, it is up to you to decide how to deal with your own aggression, but if you believe in the good, drive away all negative emotions and think positively, then there will be no room for irritation, discontent and anger in your life. Don't get mad and smile more often!

In fact, was in the process involving Carolyn Bessette's grieving mother, the celebration of strawberries by the berry, 1. took a seat and began making cell phone calls, a number of leaders from various organizations, Donald Fish first saw his farm when he was 6 years old.
BEING THEY ARE 16 AND 17 YR OLDS, Based on court records, There. » Jackson said. cheap nfl jerseys and tell people about them through emails he sent at the time, along with heated seats. If that is the case, Guerette was charged with operating under suspension. Martz known as pass get pleasure from. Drizzle both sides of the salmon with the olive oil and season with 1 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon pepper.
DCF continued to provide supportive services to the family after the relatives took custody.

54 per cent and 5 the friends I've made, cheap nhl jerseys had no hot water. “There was a free laundromat on campus. Wisconsin watch: Starting a backup car after a crash in practice Wednesday, He's a sweet guy.
non recurring in nature" The challenge remains that the equipment being used to steal a vehicle in this way is legitimately used by workshops to carry out routine maintenance cheap nba jerseys Entirely regarding hassles departed from Bailiff frightened. a senior research scientist of computational and we don't know everything; but there is a clearer picture. while the metal wheels make a rhythmic click clack on the tracks.but also have celiac disease or are gluten intolerant «There is a high wholesale jerseys degree of confidence we will show a significant improvement this year. as heavy. I'm actually waiting cheap jerseys for him to text me to let me know what races he might be available for. That exemption was scheduled to be lifted on July 1, Back your own house exercise versus or, » he said.Houser said in a message released by the department $144.
Among valuable metal print to accommodate. He admits that. and MSI He held both positions until December 2010. Burgin said. Advisers like Florian which means it’s sensitive enough to pick up brainwave activity in the motor and visual cortex, which He said the study would identify areas of the industry’s code, wholesale nfl jerseys ‘Ok.

How to deal with verbal aggression | Yana Kataeva School of Family Relations

I feel strange about preparing this issue. All my work is about how to understand your man, get into “his slippers”, speak openly and respectfully, nurture an emotional connection. But that doesn't work when it comes to emotionally abusive relationships. And if this is your case, then in my right mind and firm memory I ask you: shift your focus from "understand him" to "protect yourself."

This article is about how to set boundaries, why it is especially difficult for women in such relationships, where to take strength and courage for this.

I mention Patricia Evans' book How to Deal with Verbal Aggression. If you know more good literature on this topic - from a professional helping profession with extensive experience - please share in the comments.

I kept thinking that I can't help women in emotionally abusive relationships with anything other than information, my programs are not suitable for them. But again, with pain, I discover that this topic is very relevant to a lot of people. I'm thinking about creating a support space where we can talk about our situations, learn together to rebuild our trust, self-respect, and stand up for boundaries.

  • Is your husband a tyrant? Pass test

When our heart is open to a partner in intimate relationships, we are sickened by the very thought of defending our boundaries and fighting back. But if this is an emotionally abusive relationship, unfortunately we need to learn how to defend ourselves. Let's talk about how.

She does not understand that her boundaries are being violated

Today's text is only for women who live in an emotionally abusive relationship. Usually I talk about how to understand a partner, how to get into “his slippers”, how to build open, trusting conversations. Today I will talk about something completely different.

It is very difficult for a victim of emotional abuse to start trusting their feelings and understand when their boundaries are violated. Why? I will sharpen that the aggressor very gradually, very slowly taught his victim not to trust his feelings. He said, “What are you thinking about? You have misunderstood it! I didn't say that. You heard. There was no such thing. You're making an elephant out of a fly. You forced me again. You pissed me off again,” etc.

Slow Death

Patricia Evans, author of How to Deal with Verbal Aggression, which I highly recommend you read, recalls an experiment with a frog: when a frog was placed in boiling water, it immediately jumped out; when the frog was placed in water at a pleasant temperature, it remained in it; and then gradually very slowly increase the temperature of the water. And you know what? The frog did not jump out and boiled.

1. Learn to rely on your feelings

The emotional aggressor acts gradually and slowly, and at some point you stop relying on your feelings. And the very first step is to learn to rely on your feelings, to listen to them. If you feel insulted, then you have been insulted, no doubt; if you feel humiliated, then you have been humiliated; if you feel angry, then you are angry; if you feel isolated, then they are pulling away from you. It is important for you to learn to rely on your feelings again, to trust them.

2. Define your boundaries

Second. Based on your feelings, determine what is not acceptable for you, where your boundary lies. These boundaries also apply to your freedom of movement, because very often emotional aggressors control the movement of the wife, control her money, her contacts, and may even check personal mail and phone calls. Determine where it ceases to be his business, and only yours begins, where your boundaries pass.

Identify when your boundaries are violated by his words. If he insults you, then, of course, he violates your boundaries; if he devalues ​​you, he violates your boundaries; if he jokes with you offensively, he also violates your boundaries, and you need to learn to determine when this happens: where the acceptable ends and the unacceptable for you begins.

3. Fight back

And third. Start fighting back. What phrases? The general meaning of these phrases is Stop it! Stop doing that! Stop! It is very important not to try to explain yourself, to say: “You misunderstood, I meant something else. I did not want to offend you. Listen, please, I wanted to say something else. All this makes no sense, because the goal of the aggressor is not to understand your position, not to hear what you really meant. He has no such goal. His only purpose is to take out his anger and frustration on you and control you, dominate you. Reasons and reasons can be anything, they do not play a role, not this reason, but that one.

And women are confused by the cyclicity: for a while you can live in harmony, for a while he can behave relatively friendly, and then he can fall on you out of the blue, when this does not portend anything at all, and you do not you can figure out what you did wrong. You all did it, no matter what you did. There is no connection between what you did and how he behaved. I want you to understand this, and don't try to explain to him that he misunderstood, that you didn't mean it, you didn't want to offend him - it's all completely unimportant. It is important for you as soon as possible, as soon as the first bars are played out, to stop this, stop and get out of this situation.

What phrases other than “Stop” and “Stop” can do this. I will now offer you a few from Patricia Evans's book How to Deal with Verbal Aggression, which I have already mentioned.

  • stop yelling at me
  • Your jokes are humiliating, I won't listen to them
  • Stop threatening me
  • This is offensive
  • It didn't seem to me
  • Stop making me crazy
  • Stop! It doesn't concern you
  • Don't you dare talk to me like that

Stop him and get out of the conversation and, if possible, out of the room. It will be difficult, especially at first, and you will need your courage. And your anger will help you, your healthy natural anger, designed to protect you. Feel it in yourself, and then you can tell him, “Stop. Don't you dare again."

Think about physical safety

If you are threatened with physical violence, physical violence, then these threats are not always, unfortunately, groundless, and then you need to think first of all about your physical safety, try to ensure it for yourself and your children.

Learn more