My family is so dysfunctional

Is my family dysfunctional? - MHA Screening

A version of this article was originally published by Supportiv.

A dysfunctional family is characterized by “conflict, misbehavior, or abuse” [1]. Relationships between family members are tense and can be filled with neglect, yelling, and screaming. You might feel forced to happily accept negative treatment.

There’s no open space to express your thoughts and feelings freely. You aren’t able to thrive and feel safe within your own family… And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Signs of a Dysfunctional Family

No family acts the same—and all families experience some level of dysfunction. But there are some clear signs you can look for to indicate bigger problems:

Addiction

Addiction can lead to so many different unhealthy relationships among family members. ’12-Step’ programs, and even government-funded research studies, now recognize the effects addiction can have on the emotional health of a family – even from generation to generation [2].

Perfectionism

Expectations of perfection are wholly unrealistic—they just damage relationships. Families set themselves up for failure and anger by always expecting their kids or relatives to get everything right.

Expecting everything to be perfect puts a lot of pressure on everyone involved. Living with the knowledge you’ll never be good enough for your family’s jacked-up expectations can damage your emotional health in the long term.

Abuse or neglect

Abuse usually indicates active harm like verbal, physical, or violence. Neglect is inactive harm, either physical or emotional: not feeding your child, or withholding love, interest, or attention.

Both abuse and neglect are extremely problematic. Families can get caught in cycles that normalize harmful treatment. Those who grow up in these families then go on to exhibit the same behaviors to their kids, causing a cycle of neglect or abuse [3].

Unpredictability and fear

It’s hard to establish trusting relationships when you live in constant uncertainty or fear.

If you’re never sure how your parents are going to respond, you’re constantly anticipating conflict and can’t express yourself honestly. Instead, you’re just waiting for their next criticisms.

You might even want to avoid things that should be enjoyable, like vacations or holidays.

Conditional love

Dysfunctional family members may be incredibly manipulative with their affection, giving love only when they want something out of you.

Withholding love makes you want to constantly please them, and doesn’t give you the chance to relax and be yourself.

Lack of boundaries

Examples of a lack of boundaries within the family include:

• A controlling parent, who makes life decisions for you and ignores your opinions
• An intimidating parent, who actively discourages you from asserting yourself or even just speaking your mind
• An older child taking on the role of a parent.

No one has their own space. Nobody respects each other’s autonomy. Living like this can lead to unhealthy, codependent relationships later in your life.

Lack of intimacy

Your family doesn’t show many signs of closeness. There is no honest emotional support. Your relations are superficial, rather than emotionally available.

Relationships like these make it hard for you to be close with anyone, since you haven’t practiced doing so before.

Poor communication

There’s no sense of understanding between you and your family members, so you can’t voice your opinions. There’s always tension, and you don’t feel safe communicating with them.

No one talks about their problems and instead, everyone just sweeps issues under the rug [1].

And when it comes to planning, nobody respects each others’ time and preferences. There are no open lines of communication.

Understand how dysfunctional behavior affects you

If you recognize some of the signs of dysfunctional family behavior listed above, you may already recognize their effects on you. However, it can be a long process for some to see these signs.

Having low self-confidence or low self-esteem are examples of how your family can disrupt your life. Social anxiety and unexplained aches and pains can even be part of it.

It’s common for these traits to repeat themselves throughout generations. Your parents may have picked up on cues from their parents, which their parents picked up from their family. Many of us even grow up thinking that our dysfunctional families’ behavior is normal.

Do not despair: It is possible to break this cycle. The most powerful tool for breaking dysfunctional patterns is your own awareness and willingness to self-examine.

Dealing with a dysfunctional family

There are so many reasons for family members to act problematically—from finances, all the way to their past and how their family members treated them. It’s common for these traits to repeat themselves throughout generations. Your parents may have picked up on cues from their parents, which their parents picked up from their family.  While none of this is your fault, you might still feel a personal burden.

It’s not your job to change your family. You can only take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Dysfunctional families follow certain patterns that suck you in and make it hard to move on. Setting boundaries with your family is one of the most important steps you can take to escape the negative effects. It also helps to find support outside your family.

It’s also a good idea to take a mental health test to see if you are experiencing mental health effects that may need to be addressed.

Show References

1. Arora & Prakesh. (2018). Dysfunctional Family – Characteristics and Effects. Firstcry Parenting. Retrieved from https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/dysfunctional-family-characteristics-and-tips-to-overcome-its-effects/?amp
2. Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. (2004). Impact of Substance Abuse on Families. In Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, No. 39. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64258/
3. Jaffee et al. (2013). Safe, Stable, Nurturing Relationships Break the Intergenerational Cycle of Abuse: A Prospective Nationally Representative Cohort of Children in the United Kingdom. Journal of Adolescent Health 53(4 0), S4-10. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4212819/

39 Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family

When I was growing up, my household looked different from the idyllic families that were portrayed on the television shows I enjoyed.

I often wondered if my dysfunctional family was the only one that had so much tension, anger, and unhappiness.

As a highly sensitive child, I often believed it was my fault. If I could just be easier, funnier, more pleasing to my family, then everything would be okay.

These feelings, along with the stress I was experiencing at home, wreaked havoc on my mental health and self-esteem.

If this is something you can relate to, I am here to tell you that you are not alone.

Living in a dysfunctional family, no matter what that looks like for you, will have a long-term effect on your life — even years after you’ve grown up and live in a healthier environment.

If you’re still in a dysfunctional family, it’s important to you see your situation for what it is and take the steps to change it — or leave it.

What’s In This Article

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What Is a dysfunctional family?

A family is dysfunctional if they regularly experience conflict, misbehavior, or abuse in a way that causes some family members to accommodate such inappropriate actions.

Are all families dysfunctional? According to Terence T. Gorski, M.A., N.C.A.C., author of Getting Love Right: Learning the Choices of Healthy Intimacy, “In fact, in the United States today, more people come from dysfunctional families than healthy families. It is estimated that approximately 70 to 80 percent come from dysfunctional families. ”

What are the causes of a dysfunctional family? Here are some to consider:

• Dysfunctional families are often the result of one overtly abusive parent and one codependent parent who turns a blind eye to the misbehavior. 

• Dysfunctional parents may learn their behavior from their own parents and replay their past experiences in their new families.

• In some cases, when one parent does not object to the dominant parent’s abuse, the children are led to believe the dysfunction is their own fault. Sometimes children grow up in these families believing the situation is normal and acceptable.

• Although single-parent families and blended families aren’t dysfunctional by nature, these situations do increase the chances of dysfunction occurring.

Dysfunctional Family Characteristics

What are the characteristics of a dysfunctional family? Although dysfunctional families are all different, they often share some principal aspects. Some defining traits in a dysfunctional family include:

• Lack of empathy
• Poor communication
• Emotional or physical abuse
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Perfectionism
• Fear and unpredictability
• Untrustworthiness
• Denial
• Disrespect of boundaries
• Control
• Guilt-tripping
• Excessive criticism
• Triangulation

Dysfunctional Family Roles

Each member of a dysfunctional family has a role that keeps the cycle going.

• The enabler (or caretaker) protects and takes care of the problem parent in order to keep the family going. He or she takes on the burden and responsibilities of the problem parent to prevent them from going into a crisis.

• The hero takes on the role of making the family look good. This over-achieving person is good at making everything on the outside look normal.

• The scapegoat is often the child who exhibits negative behaviors that take the attention off of the main problem in the family.

• The lost child is the quiet one who tries to escape the situation. This child often avoids interactions with other family members, leading to a lack of social development in the long run.

• The mascot works to lighten the mood and break up the tension within the family. They often use humor to distract from their problems instead of facing them.

If you are living in a dysfunctional family, you can probably identify the people who are in these roles in your household.

Here are some common unhealthy signs of a dysfunctional family.

Look at these examples of dysfunctional families to see if any of these are going on in your family:

1. Vacations are very stressful.

Vacations should be a relaxed time for your family to make memories together and enjoy some free time outside of your normal routine.

If you find traveling to be extremely stressful when you are with your family, this may be a sign of a dysfunctional family .

2. You think about how you will do things differently.

If you already know as a child that you will parent children one day differently than the way you are being parented, this is a red flag.

Children should not be spending time noticing things in their household that they would never want to be repeated.

3. Your parents have separate rooms.

Sometimes it is normal for parents to sleep in different beds, especially if their schedules differ and they don’t want to disturb the other one while he or she is sleeping.

However, if your parents never spend (or spent) time in the same room together, they might have a toxic relationship.

4. Your family lives in silence.

Silence is dysfunctional when it is used as a punishment. It disregards the worth of other people.

A milder form of the silent treatment is demanding that other people guess what’s wrong with you.

The problem here is not placing value on your relationship with the other person enough to actually talk about your troubles.

5. You experience triangulation.

Triangulation occurs when one family member confides in another about a third family member.

An example of this would be a mother and father talking “through” their child by asking the child to ask the other parent for updates on a personal or adult matter.

This puts the burden of adult issues on a child and is an unhealthy alternative to direct communication.

6. You give or get double messages.

Double messages occur when someone says one thing and does another. This could be as serious as an abusive parent saying, “I love you” or “I’m so sorry,” after hitting a child.

This confuses the recipient and blurs the meaning of the spoken words.

These messages also confuse one’s intuition. For example, if a mother tells a child, “Your father does not have a drinking problem, he just likes to have a few drinks after a long workday,” then this contradicts the evidence the child has seen.

7. There is enmeshment.

If one member of a family spends an extreme amount of time dealing with the problems of another family member, or they take personal responsibility for another family member’s emotions, this is enmeshment.

Boundaries exist in healthy families where everyone is responsible for dealing with their own problems.

This doesn’t mean people don’t ask for help, but it also doesn’t mean family members blame each other for their personal problems.

It does mean that a family member doesn’t feel personally responsible for the solution.

8. You rarely bring friends home.

This happens because of the fighting, the condition of the house, substance abuse, or the fear that someone in your family will embarrass you.

This isolation also occurs when the parents of your friends don’t allow them to visit you because of the environment of your home or the behavior of your parents.

9. You never stand up for yourself.

If you find yourself in situations that are clearly not your fault but default to thinking that you could have done something differently, it may be a sign that you are living in a dysfunctional family.

For example, let’s say there’s a big fight at the family dinner table between your parents or a parent and a sibling.

While a healthy reaction to this would be to know you didn’t cause the fight, you may assume it was your fault for not preventing it.

10. You fear abandonment.

If you were abandoned as a child, either physically or emotionally, you might carry this fear for the rest of your life.

11. You are a people pleaser.

This is a survival trait that can develop as a result of being abandoned or experiencing neglect on a regular basis.

Pleasing other people is an attempt to win them over when you fear their criticism. You hold onto the belief that if you’re nice enough, this person will not abandon you.

You probably developed this trait to be able to detect the mood of the adults around you so you could respond appropriately.

12. You experience or witness abuse.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. It also includes neglect from another person or witnessing fighting or someone else being abused.

While your parents may not be abusing you directly, exposure to other people’s fights can be just as damaging.

Any kind of abuse leaves family members in need of emotional care.

Physical and sexual abuse leave obvious scars and can be easily understood by others.

Emotional abuse can be much more subtle, easier to deny or hide, and harder for others to understand.

Some of the signs of emotional abuse include the following behaviors (some of which are explained in more detail below):

• Constant ridicule and criticism
• Threatening
• Bullying
• Gaslighting
• Controlling behaviors
• Shaming and guilt-trips
• Manipulation
• Withholding love, affection, or sex
• Contempt
• Narcissistic behaviors
• Unpredictable emotional outbursts
• Verbal abuse
• Sarcasm used to wound
• Name-calling
• Intense anger
• Lack of respect
• Selfish, childish behaviors (from adults)
• Intolerance
• Extreme jealousy and suspicion
• Spitefulness
• Turns others against you
• Regularly invalidates others in the family
• Plays mind games

13.

There is little or no discipline.

Neglect refers to a lack of basic needs but also to a lack of any discipline and structure.

If no one takes on the role of being in charge due to substance abuse or emotional distress, then children are left to fend for themselves.

14. The holidays are not joyful.

No matter what types of holidays your family celebrates, there are sure to be times where the whole family gets together to try to enjoy a special meal or exchange gifts.

If you dread these occasions and never find joy in them, it may be due to a dysfunctional family situation.

Holidays tend to add stress and unmet expectations for everyone, but a dysfunctional family can be thrown into a tailspin as a result.

15. You wish you were in someone else’s family.

Maybe you go to a friend’s house and find it peaceful, or you see your neighbors next door always having fun playing in the yard.

If you wish you could be a part of their family instead of your own, it could be your way of wishing you could escape.

16. You think you’re the only normal person in your family.

Everyone else seems to have some kind of issue, and you can’t find an ally in any of your siblings or either of your parents.

Their craziness and dysfunction makes you feel isolated and lonely.

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17. They are controlling.

Families who use money, threats, guilt, or even some type of reward to control other people in the family is an unhealthy and harmful behavior that is one of the signs of emotional abuse mentioned earlier

Those who control try to create a power dynamic in order to get what they want at the expense of the other person’s mental, emotional or physical well-being.

18. They are quick to place blame.

Accountability requires stating clear boundaries and allowing natural consequences to happen when the boundaries are crossed.

Placing blame on other people is a dangerous habit that typically occurs with victimization.

Families who blame each other for their feelings or experiences are failing to take personal responsibility for their own roles in situations and are setting themselves up for codependency.

19. Punishment is used instead of discipline.

Discipline and punishment are not the same things. Discipline involves training and teaching while punishing is just enforcing a penalty.

If you have a family that only practices punishment, it is usually in the form of emotional or psychological punishment.

For example, if you do something that is unacceptable to your family, they may give you the silent treatment for an extended period of time, which is psychological punishment and is toxic.

20. They use threatening tactics.

There are definitely some families who use threats to maintain control. For example, a family may threaten to disown a child if they make certain choices.

While this may sound common, it is not acceptable and is definitely not healthy.

Families who threaten each other emotionally, physically, psychologically, or otherwise are toxic.

21. They alter the truth.

Dysfunctional families often twist their intentions, experiences, and even the memories that they recall to avoid being held accountable.

This behavior is also known as “gaslighting.”

There are a lot of ways that someone in your family can distort you, what you want, and your life experiences both with and without them.

No matter how they distort the truth, if someone is doing it, they’re a toxic person.

22. Abuse, addiction, and mental illness go untreated.

Active abuse within a family, as well as untreated addiction or mental illnesses, clearly qualify a family as being dysfunctional.

This dysfunction is exacerbated when the abuser or addict denies the problem and doesn’t seek treatment.

Children who live with abusive, addictive or emotionally unstable parents never feel secure and safe and grow up with a variety of mental health issues that can be debilitating.

23. The family is unavailable.

Dysfunctional families are emotionally unavailable. Whether or not the family is physically present doesn’t matter.

Emotional availability is an important factor in a healthy family. If someone is emotionally checked out, they are making themselves unavailable to everyone else around them.

When a family is unavailable, even if it is simply by only having superficial relationships with each other, they are likely dysfunctional.

24. They’re dismissive.

Families who fit the dysfunctional model will likely dismiss the evidence that this is true, as well as anyone who brings it up.

This is usually an effort to avoid accountability. Regardless of the reasoning, dismissing family issues is toxic and causes harm to all of the members.

25. There is unpredictability.

If parents are extremely inconsistent, meaning a child can never be sure how his or her parents will respond to their behaviors, this is a red flag.

Unpredictable behavior is often the result of drug or alcohol abuse that is intermittent.

One day mom or dad is fine, and the next day he or she is passed out on the couch.

Another unpredictable behavior is when parents are prone to outbursts of anger, making other people in the household live in a constant state of apprehension.

26. There is constant conflict.

Of course, all families have conflict sometimes, but if there is never a break from the conflict in the family, and people are always at odds with each other, this is a sign of dysfunction.

This conflict could be verbal, physical, or even silent — but with tension so thick you could cut it.

It often occurs between the parents, whether they are divorced or married, and is witnessed by the children.

27. There is a lack of empathy.

It is important in a healthy family for parents to be able to listen to their children’s feelings and try to empathize with their issues.

It is not healthy for a child if their feelings are always being dismissed, or they have no outlet to discuss the common issues that children face during their developmental years.

28. You experience role-reversal.

Role-reversal within a family is when a child takes on the responsibilities of a parent.

This happens when one parent is unable to fulfill their parenting duties due to mental illness, substance abuse, absence, or any other reason.

This forces the child to take on the role of a caretaker while their own developmental needs are not being met.

29. There is excessive control.

Excessive control can look like many things. It may be one parent controlling the other through emotional abuse, physical aggression, finances, or ultimatums.

It could also be parents controlling their children by not allowing them to do normal childhood things like play with friends or have any sense of independence.

30. There is no sense of privacy.

Of course, parents want to know what their children are doing, especially when it comes to online activities or when they are out with their friends.

However, there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed, and children should be able to have some sense of privacy, especially as the years go on.

A dysfunctional family may have parents who feel like they have the right to know more than they really do.

Whether this means secretly snooping or openly demanding that other members of the family share everything with them, it is crossing boundaries.

Perhaps this person constantly tracks your every move and then justifies it by saying “If you aren’t doing anything wrong, I should be able to look.”

This is a violation of privacy and shows there is a lack of trust. This police-like presence is damaging for a family.

31. Teasing is allowed to go too far.

Families should not have a bully. Humor and teasing can be a healthy mode of interaction in families, but the key to this is whether or not it feels loving and comfortable for everyone involved.

In dysfunctional families, emotional abuse can be disguised as “I was just kidding, don’t be so sensitive.”

This not only allows the original criticism to stand, but it also adds an additional criticism of someone displaying an “incorrect” reaction to a situation.

Also, this person is essentially being told that they don’t have the right to their own feelings, which is a classic sign of dysfunction.

32. There is unfair treatment of one or more family members.

This unfair treatment frequently occurs with one (or both) of the parents due to the child’s birth order, gender, abilities, sexuality, or any number of reasons.

It is clear to all other members of the family that one member is being singled out and treated differently — whether positively or negatively.

33. There is abnormal sexual behavior.

Sexual behavior that includes promiscuity, adultery, or incest that is witnessed or known by the children in the family is deeply dysfunctional and harmful behavior.

Also, allowing children to become sexualized too early or allowing them to witness sex acts is also dysfunctional and confusing.

34. Family members disown each other.

A family can become dysfunctional when conflicts become so untenable that members disown one another and cut each other out of family life.

This disowning can involve a parent/child relationship, a grandparent, siblings, or members of the extended family who were once actively part of the family.

35. Children are used as pawns.

A common dysfunctional parental behavior is when one a parent manipulates a child in order to create an adverse outcome of some kind to the other parent’s.

This behavior might include gossiping about the other parent, trying to get information from the child about the other parent, or trying to get the child to dislike the other parent.

36. Only conditional love is offered.

This is emotionally abusive behavior in which love and affection are withheld unless the other family member complies with some request, need, or desire of another member.

A parent might show love and approval to a child only when he or she excels in sports or academics. A wife might withhold love and affection from her husband until he gives in and acquiesces to her demands.

37. There’s a dogmatic or cult-like environment.

This can happen in a family that is extremely religious or has cultural requirements that are strict and demanding.

Often harsh and inflexible discipline is used to keep family members “inline” so they won’t question authority or develop their own opinions.

38. There’s a lack of support from the non-dominant parent.

In dysfunctional families, one parent is often the one who will abuse or neglect the children in the family, and the other parent allows the abuse to happen without intervening.

The non-dominant parent may also be a victim of the other parent’s abuse or just may not want to rock the boat further, so he or she does nothing to protect the children.

As a result, children take on the blame for the problems in the family and assume they are “bad” because no one has stepped in to stop the abuse.

39. There’s codependency between family members.

Codependency is a condition in which one family member enables the addiction, mental illness, bad behavior, or immaturity of another member.

Sometimes the entire family is codependent when they all cover up or pretend that a family member doesn’t have a serious problem when it’s clear they do.

How To Deal With a Dysfunctional Family

The impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family can be long-lasting and painful.

However, it doesn’t have to determine your destiny or your happiness forever. You can learn to heal.

Here are some ideas to help you:

Apply Adult Thinking

You can overcome leftover feelings from living in a dysfunctional household with a new adult point of view.

You are no longer a helpless child who doesn’t have the skills to understand the dysfunction and see it for what it is.

Don’t try to make excuses for the dysfunction or enable a bad parent or sibling by sweeping it under the rug.

Don’t Try to Change the Past

It’s important to remember that you can’t change the past and the dysfunction at the core of the family will likely always exist.

You can’t change people and sometimes you need to just allow yourself to have a healthy distance.

Don’t try to make up for the past or recoup lost time by trying to salvage relationships that are past the point of repair.

Instead, protect your well-being and move forward by creating a family of your own that has healthy and thriving relationships.

Avoid the Victim Mentality

You may have been cheated out of a healthy childhood, but don’t allow this victim mentality to continue on into your adulthood.

• Don’t let your past control your present by failing to become a well-adjusted adult.

• Create a new identity that does not focus on the pain you endured in the past.

• If possible, try to find the strength to forgive.

If you are able to do this, do it on your own terms and just allow these feelings of forgiveness to help you let go of the past.

Define Who You Want To Be

Make a conscious effort to know who you want to be and work toward becoming that person. This may take some time depending on the severity of your family dysfunction.

Learn more about emotional maturity and how to communicate effectively in relationships.

Just understanding the emotional abuse and dysfunction in your primary family can help you define what you don’t want to be.

Become the parent that you wish you had had so your own children grow up in a loving and secure environment.

Become the partner or spouse you wish you’d witnessed in your parents so your relationship is strong and healthy.

Get Counseling

If the family dysfunction is severe, you may need counseling or a support group for healing from the trauma you experienced.

You may not be able to move past the pain and enter into healthy relationships without doing the growth work required through therapy.

Find a licensed counselor who specializes in family dysfunction, abuse, and addiction (if appropriate). Make a commitment to your personal evolution by doing this life-altering work.

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More Related Articles:

How To Recognize the 8 Signs Of Emotional Manipulation

10 Ways to Cope With Toxic Family Members

79 Self-Care Ideas For Stressed Out People Pleasers

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Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family?

If you’re reading this post, it’s likely you experienced some of the behaviors and situations described here.

We’d like to commend you for taking action and learning more about the difficulties you experienced in your family.

Don’t allow your past to infect your current and future happiness. You can move past the pain.

Ultimately, the most effective way to heal from a dysfunctional family is to live your own fulfilling life.

You’ll always be connected to the dysfunction you have endured, but your long-term success and happiness are in your own hands.

When you understand this, you’re already on your way to healing.

drawing method "My family"

Drawing technique "My family"

In order for you to look deeper into the soul of your child and understand how he lives, breathes, thinks about, dreams about, being in a family, if you do not have the opportunity to consult with with the right specialist, spend with him one of the options we have adapted especially for parents - a variant of the drawing technique "My Family", which reveals intra-family interpersonal relationships. nine0005

Give your child a piece of paper and a set of colored pencils (black, blue, brown, red, yellow, green). Since this test is adapted for parents and a specialist will not evaluate it, a set of pencils may contain not 6 colors, but much more.

Have your child draw a picture of your family. After that, do something, pretending that you are not up to the drawing. Let the child feel at least the illusion of freedom. Your gaze involuntarily makes the son or daughter "weigh" everything in the picture in favor of you. Let the drawing child be alone with himself. Nevertheless, "working", you need to imperceptibly for the child to observe how he draws, what he draws, where he draws. nine0005

After you finish drawing, clarify some details with leading questions. Then analyze the data of the drawing test according to the scheme below. And if you learn how to correctly interpret these data, you will be able not only to identify the nuances, but also their shades, the whole gamut of feelings experienced by the child in his family. Everything that your child carefully hides, everything that he hides somewhere in the depths and is not able to tell you aloud, everything that “boils” and “boils” in him, everything that torments and worries him daily, suddenly, unexpectedly, like a genie from a bottle, it "bursts" out and freezes with a "dumb cry" on paper. And, freezing, silently screaming, he begs you for help. And this "cry" should be heard by each of the parents. After all, it would hardly occur to us, parents, that very often we are the culprits of all the troubles of the child. nine0005

Analyzing the drawing, it is necessary to pay attention to a number of details: the sequence of the task, the plot of the drawing, how the family members are located, how the family members are grouped, the degree of proximity and the degree of their remoteness from each other, the location of the child among them, , with whom the child begins to draw a family, on whom he finishes, whom he "forgot" to portray, whom he "added", who is taller and who is shorter, who is dressed like, who is drawn with a contour, who is drawn to the details, to the color scheme, etc. . nine0005

Let's dwell on some features of the analysis of the picture.

1. Order execution sequence. As a rule, after receiving the installation, the child immediately begins to draw all family members and only then the details that complete the drawing. If, for some unknown reason, an artist suddenly focuses his attention on anything other than his family, "forgetting" to draw his relatives and himself, or draws people after depicting minor objects and objects, you need to think about why he does this and what lies behind all this. What is the reason for his indifference to his loved ones? Why does he delay the time of depicting them? Most often, the "casket" is opened by leading questions and clarifying shades of family relationships, and other methods. As a rule, the absence of family members in the drawing or the delay in their depiction is one of the symptoms of the child's mental discomfort in the family and a sign of conflicting family relationships in which the artist is also involved. nine0005

2. The plot of the picture. Most often the plot is extremely simple. The child depicts his family in the form of a group photo, in which all family members are present or someone is not. All those present are on the ground, stand on the floor or, for some reason, having lost their support, hang in the air. Sometimes in the picture, in addition to people, flowers bloom, grass turns green, bushes and trees grow. Some children place their loved ones in their own home among furniture and familiar things. It is not uncommon for someone to be at home, and someone on the street. In addition to the frozen-monumental group portraits, there are also drawings in which all family members are busy with business and, of course, the most important thing is the child. These drawings are usually overflowing with expression and dynamism. nine0005

As mentioned above, sometimes children simply refuse to draw or confine themselves to some, especially seemingly abstract plot, where there is no family (see Figure 1 below). But this is only at first glance. Drawing of a family "without a family" - a child's cry of protest and the distress signal given by him in this way - SOS. In the drawing we propose, a ten-year-old girl, jealous of her relatives for the younger children in the family, hid all family members in a house behind thick walls. She placed herself, like Carlson, somewhere on the roof (a detailed interpretation of the figure will be given below). When your child draws a "no family" family, drop the chores and solve the charade. Think - why? Build bridges. Otherwise, you may "miss" something significant in your child and lose the "key" to him. nine0005

If a child's drawing of a family is associated with something pleasant, with warm, tender memories, it illuminates all family members or one of them with a bright sun - a symbol of affection, kindness and love. If there are dark clouds over the group portrait of the family or it is pouring rain, then most likely this is due to the child's discomfort.

3. Sequence of location of family members. Usually, the first child depicts either the most beloved member of the family, or, in his opinion, the most significant and authoritative in the house. If the child considers himself the most significant, he, without hiding this, draws his figure first. The sequence of arrangement of other family members and their serial numbers indicate the attitude of the child towards them, or rather, their role in the family in the eyes of the child or their attitude, in the opinion of the painter, towards him. The higher the serial number of the depicted family member, the lower his authority with the child. Usually the most recent relative drawn has the lowest authority. Therefore, if a child intuitively feels rejected and unnecessary by his parents, then he portrays himself after everyone else. nine0005

4. Sizes of figures of family members. The more authoritative in the eyes of the child is the member of the family portrayed by him, the taller his figure and the greater his size. Quite often, young children do not even have enough paper to accommodate the entire figure completely, entirely. With a low authority of a relative, the size of his figure, as a rule, is much less than the real one in comparison with the rest of the family members. Therefore, neglected and rejected children usually portray themselves as barely noticeable, undersized, tiny little boys with a finger or Thumbelina (see Fig. 2 below), emphasizing with all this their uselessness and insignificance. In contrast to the "rejected" idols of the family do not spare space for depicting their figures, drawing themselves on a par with mom or dad and even above them (see Figure 3 below). nine0005

5. The size of the space and its dimensions between the image of individual family members indicate either their emotional disunity or their emotional closeness. The farther the figures are located from each other, the greater their emotional disunity, as a rule, reflecting a conflict situation in the family. In some of the drawings, children emphasize the sense of disunity of loved ones by including in the free space between family members some extraneous objects that further divide people. To reduce disunity, the child often fills in the gaps, in his opinion, with things and objects that unite close relatives, or draws among family members unfamiliar faces. nine0005

With emotional closeness, all relatives in the family are drawn almost close to each other and practically not separated. The closer the child portrays himself in relation to any member of the family, the higher his degree of attachment to this relative. The further a child is from a family member, the less his attachment to that member. When a child considers himself rejected, he is separated by a significant space from others.

6. Location of the child in Figure - a source of important information about his position in the family. When he is in the center, between mom and dad, or draws himself first at the head of the family, this means that he feels needed and necessary in the house. As a rule, the child places himself next to the one to whom he is most attached. If we see in the figure that the child depicted himself after all his brothers and sisters, away from his parents, then this is most often just a sign of his jealousy for other children living in the family, in relation to his beloved mother or father, and maybe both together , and, distancing himself from everyone else, the artist informs us that he considers himself superfluous and unnecessary in the house. nine0005

7. When a child for some reason "forgets" to draw himself , look for a good reason in your family relationships. They are usually not quite exemplary and, obviously, painful for the child. The child's image of a family without himself is a signal of conflict between him and someone in your house or the whole family as a whole, and in this regard, the child does not have a sense of community with other people close to him. With his drawing in this way, the artist expresses his reaction of protest against the rejection of him in the family. Intuitively guessing that he has been rejected by you for a long time, that you have almost “forgotten” him, taking care of others in the family, the child “revenges” you on paper, not realizing that by refusing to draw himself, he betrays his secrets, involuntarily splashing out the bubbling in him the discomfort. nine0005

8. When a child for some reason suddenly "forgets" to draw one of the parents of or other real members of his family, then, most likely, none other than the "forgotten" relative of the child is the source of his discomfort, worries and torments. Deliberately "forgetting" to include such a loved one in his family, the child, as it were, shows us the way out of the conflict situation and to defuse the negative family atmosphere. Quite often, in this way, the artist “eliminates” competitors, trying to extinguish, even for a moment, the jealousy that boils in him for other children or for parents of his own sex. The child "revenges" especially stubbornly and does not draw on paper that family member who constantly suppresses and humiliates him in the house. Therefore, usually the question: "Where is this family member?" - the child, continuing to "revenge" him, responds with solid fables, absurdities and absurdities, such as the fact that this relative takes out the trash, washes the floor, stands in the corner .. In short, in this way the child, albeit naively, but dreams of taking revenge , at least mentally humiliating a loved one who constantly humiliates him really every day. nine0005

9. When, for some reason, a child "supplements" his family with non-existent relatives or strangers, he tries to fill the vacuum in the feelings that are missing in the family, or use them instead of a buffer that softens the feeling of his inferiority in the circle of relatives. Often, children fill this vacuum with those individuals who, in their opinion, are able to establish close contacts with them and enable them to somehow satisfy their needs for communication. Therefore, the child, "modeling" the composition of his family, involuntarily offers us its improved, improved and chosen option by him, and not by anyone else. nine0005

In addition to outsiders, the artist often "supplements" his family with the animal world: we see birds, animals, but most of all, cats and dogs, devoted and necessary to man. And if in these "additions" there is no identification with a real member of the child's family, and if cats and dogs ... are simply fictional, the artist does not actually have them, but he dreams that they would be and replace his relatives and friends, then it means that the child yearns to be needed by someone. From birth, he needs to be loved and that he, in return, also loved someone passionately. And if you did not satisfy him with your love, then he intuitively looks for love on the side. Therefore, think more seriously about the purpose for which your child, who seems to be not deprived of anything, stubbornly stamps the ghosts of cats and dogs that do not exist and do not live in the house, which even you did not promise him to get. Think seriously. And regard this as a symptom that tells you about the lack of necessary communication and the lack of tenderness and affection that your child feels. Think about it: are you to blame for this deficit? nine0005

10. When for some reason a child draws only himself instead of a family "forgetting" to draw all the others, this most often indicates that he does not feel like a full-fledged member of his family and feels that for him in it there just isn't enough space.

Quite often in the drawings of oneself, the rejection of the child by family members can be seen through the emotional background and gloomy colors. The loneliness of a rejected person at an age when children are still not able to do without their parents is a formidable sign of an unfavorable situation in the family for your child. Sometimes the artist, when depicting a family, specifically singles out only one himself in order to emphasize his significance for the rest. This is most often done by family idols or children who do not hide their egocentrism. Such a child differs from those rejected by involuntary self-admiration, which is usually seen in the coloring and detailing of clothing or in secondary background objects that create a festive mood. nine0005

11. For a more detailed analysis, examine in detail how the child draws faces and other parts of the body. The drawing of the head is especially informative. When you see that the author for some reason skips the parts of the face known to him or generally depicts the face "without a face", that is, apart from the contour of the face, there is nothing on it (no eyes, no mouth, no nose ...), then this is most often an expression of the artist's protest against the family member depicted by him in this way, because of which the child, obviously, is constantly overwhelmed with negative emotions. nine0005

When an artist depicts his face in this way, a face without eyes, without a mouth, without a nose, this is a sign of his alienation in the family and a violation of communication with many people.

When only one eye is visible from all parts of the face, then, most likely, the child informs you that this family member is watching and following him all the time, not allowing any of his misdeeds, childish pranks and pampering. And this relative "I see everything" is the source of most conflict situations for the child. A drawing of a close "I hear everything" can be similar, in which the author is absorbed in the image of ears that exceed the size of Cheburashka's ears. When a child singles out only the mouth from all parts, then, most likely, the "owner of the mouth", like a press, puts pressure on the artist, "educating" him with endless notations, moralizing within the framework of his own morality, and cultivates fear in him. nine0005

When you see that in a drawing the artist focuses most of his attention on the head and thoroughly draws all parts of the face, preferring the face to everything else, then, most obviously, the child shows you once again how significant the closest relative depicted by him in this way is significant for him. And if your child portrays himself this way, then this is just admiring himself or one of the signs that indicates how seriously he is concerned about his appearance. Often, in this way, the artist brightens up his own physical "defect". And if a girl draws her face like this, then most often she simply imitates her mother, who, because of coquetry, constantly tints her lips, powders her nose, and smoothes her hair before her eyes. nine0005

In addition to the head, painted hands can also give you a lot of information. When their length immediately catches the eye, then most likely they belong to one of the close family members of the child who is aggressive towards him. The author sometimes depicts such a relative without arms at all, trying, at least symbolically, but to extinguish aggression.

When we see the child himself as armless in the picture, then, most likely, in this way the artist wants to inform us that he is completely powerless and does not have the right to vote in the family. nine0005

When a child in a drawing emphasizes the length of not strangers, but his own, or draws them upraised, then by this he shows his aggressiveness or his desire to be aggressive in order to somehow assert himself in the family.

12. The color scheme of picture is a kind of indicator of the palette of feelings emitted by a child when remembering loved ones whom he portrays. Features and nuances of children's emotional attitude to individual members of their family or to the family as a whole, the romance of their attachments and carefully concealed dislike, doubts, anxieties and hopes seem to be "coded" in the color that each character is decorated with. And you, the parents, need to find the cipher to the code in order to come to the rescue in time, generously stretching out your whole hand, desperately clutching at a thin straw, for one reason or another, drooping under the pressure of hard everyday life and everyday troubles, your child. nine0005

As a rule, everything that is loved and liked by the child is drawn by him in warm, affectionate colors. Their affection and romantic feelings for one of those present in the picture, the children, without knowing it themselves, “stick out” with a bright, juicy color that involuntarily attracts your gaze. Usually, the one that the child likes is dressed up by him in a special festive outfit, which in its coloring resembles a rainbow or the clothes of a fairy-tale princess who had a dream in a magical dream.

And even if your child does not use the whole gamut of colors available to him, he still, wishing it or not, but singles out at least one extraordinary stroke that catches your eye of his beloved relative among all the others. nine0005

Mothers are especially dressed up. Children express their love for them by designing for them such models of fantastic clothes, the patents for which, probably, fashion magazines would buy from them. In addition to dresses, skirts, blouses, where there are ruffles, embroideries, frills, many mothers have earrings in their ears, beads on their necks and hairpins in their hair. Almost all mothers are in fashionable shoes and with unusual hairstyles. And if you look at the color of their hair, then most often you will say: this does not happen - since when the hair is orange, yellow and even blue. This does not happen in life, but it happens in a drawing when a child is in a flood of tender feelings that spill out in this way. nine0005

Beloved dads also have something to wear. And very often their outfits are practically not inferior to their mother's. The child also brightly dresses up all other relatives who are not indifferent to him, drawing the smallest details of their clothes. When a child in the family is happy, he is also festively dressed up and radiates warm tones.

Cold tones depicted by a child - like red at a traffic light signaling "stop". Stop for a minute. Consider what this means. Ask yourself mentally: "Why?" nine0005

Cold tones, as a rule, are witnesses of a conflict relationship between a child and a member of his family drawn by him with these tones. The black color is especially informative, the usual black color, most often carrying information about the child's emotional rejection of the relative in the picture whom he depicted to them. And this rejection can be overt or covert. About a clear rejection, in addition to color, a number of details will tell you. You will have to guess about the hidden, unraveling the labyrinths of the child's feelings. And if, for some reason, a relative whom the child loves is suddenly painted in black, then, most likely, in this way, the person who draws involuntarily spills onto paper everything that secretly worries, excites, torments him in relation to the member of his family depicted by him. And no matter how in these cases the artist tries to assure you that he painted from memory, almost from life, and his father really has a favorite shirt - “black”, and his mother also prefers “black” to all colors, and her sister really braids are "black", you need to carefully check and understand the reason for his "realism". Especially when in the same picture other relatives are fabulously dressed and their hair is fabulously painted. nine0005

As a rule, the reason for realism is that, adoring mom or dad, the child, no matter how much he wants to, cannot and is not able to come to terms with the fact that dad drinks, rowdy, is a source of scandals, and mom, busy with endless affairs, does not notice the devoted love of the child. The sister is just jealous. And what if she gets more tenderness and affection...

Contour drawing of individual members of his family or the whole family as a whole can also serve as a signal of distress and trouble for your child, even when the artist depicts the contours in different colors, and not with a simple pencil. nine0005

So, analyzing the features of the interpretation of the picture "My Family", you seemed to recognize your child again and realized that your child is a person, albeit a small, unintelligent one, but a person looking at the world with his own clear eyes, having his own special angle perspective on life. And this angle of view should be known to you. Otherwise, it will suddenly turn out that you and your child see everything differently and with different eyes and often speak different languages. And in order for your language to be the same, you need to know its symbolism for your child, at least in the picture. nine0106

Let's take another look at the means, details, nuances the artist tells you about his role in his own family and about the relations that have developed in it between other family members.

1. Emotional attachment of a child to one of the parents, as a rule, is depicted in such a way that the child is close to this parent or next to him. The amount of space between them is minimal. Often their hands are stretched out to each other, emphasizing the complete agreement between the parent and the child who adores him. Almost always, the artist tries to draw the beloved parent as one of the first in the drawing. The figure of this parent is usually taller than all other figures, or at least exceeds the height of the child, thereby, as it were, giving the young artist a kind of security that is understandable to him alone, necessary for life. To make the parent look even more impressive, children often place him on a pedestal specially invented by them. The parent, adored by the child, is not only carefully depicted by him, but also dressed up in the most magical outfits, which, in terms of brightness of colors, are much brighter than the brightest clothes of the artist. There are times when the outfit of the artist and the best mom in the world or the most beautiful dad in the world are identical. During the period of the first romantic love for parents, girls usually draw themselves next to their dads, and boys - closer to their mothers. During the period of the child's imitation of the parents of the same sex, this pattern changes and the girls are already close to their mothers, and the boys are close to their fathers. Moreover, the parent, adored by the child, is not drawn with contours and strokes, but emerges literally to the details. nine0005

When a child, for some reason, suddenly drawing himself next to his adored parent, involuntarily leaves an empty gap between this "neighborhood", then, most likely, this gap is a reflection of an invisible barrier between two loving people. Most often, this barrier is the character traits of the parent, pushing the child away from himself and forcing the young artist to keep a certain distance, like on a leash, when communicating with the parent.

The child usually expresses his dissatisfaction in black or at least one gloomy stroke. Take a look at the drawing of a teenage girl (see figure 4 below). Here, the black color of the adored dad's trousers testifies to the child's worries about the fact that dad began to drink alcohol. nine0005

When a child's affection is mutual, he is happy, reaching all the peaks of bliss.

When a child's love is unrequited, it is an unsmoldering source of mental discomfort for a young artist. Therefore, analyzing the drawing and "figuring out" who the child needs the most, you try to take a step towards him. Let him feel how necessary he is.

2. Child's rejection in the family (emotional rejection). When a child feels superfluous and unnecessary, outcast in his family, he either simply does not want and does not want to draw his family, or draws it, forgetting to draw himself. In some cases, the artist places his small and nondescript figure away from everyone, thus emphasizing his loneliness among relatives. Quite often, between a distant child and members of his family, there are some unnecessary objects that increase the disunity of the drawn people. Often, children suddenly fill an empty gap with those relatives who do not exist, or who really exist, but are very distant. The role of a buffer is also often played by cats and dogs. nine0005

When a child feels superfluous and unnecessary in his family, his figure is the smallest, clothes are gloomy and inconspicuous. Such a child often simply depicts himself with contours and strokes, without dwelling on the details, drawing himself at the end of the plot. In those cases when a child, in spite of everything, is nevertheless attached to one of the parents or to both at once, he paints them in warm tones, not stinting on gentle colors. And these warm tones, in contrast to the cold tones that the artist depicts, are witnesses to the abyss that has already formed or has begun to form between the child and his family. nine0005

In figure 5 (see below), a six-year-old girl, offended by the coldness of her parents and considering herself unnecessary to them, drew them festively and beautifully, deliberately "forgetting" to draw herself next to them. At the request of the experimenter, she then nevertheless finished drawing her figure, depicting it with a contour and a black pencil, reducing the actual size. Then, after thinking for a moment, she suddenly brightened herself with joy and drew grass. And her whole appearance in the picture now told everyone: look, look how small I am. I still need to be loved. And if the parents do not understand this, let at least the sun replace them. nine0005

As a rule, rejected children tend to "forget" to draw the member of their family who, in their opinion, rejects them.

3. Conflict situation in the family. It is known that the younger and more sensitive the child, the more often he considers himself the culprit of conflicts in his family, regarding them as retribution for self-indulgence, disobedience and children's sins. The child, feeling guilty, is rejected in his own eyes, so his drawings almost always resemble similar drawings with emotional rejection of children in the family. Most often, the artist "forgets" to draw that of the relatives, because of whom, as he believes, the conflict arose. And if, nevertheless, the child draws that person, in order to draw attention to him, he depicts him above or below everyone standing nearby, in cold, mournful colors. Often, in a conflict situation in a family, all relatives are drawn only with contours, and their disunity is visible in the fact that they are all separated from each other by unnecessary objects, empty gaps, as if they do not exist all together, but each with himself. nine0005

When a child suddenly “forgets” to draw himself during conflicts, then by this he seems to punish himself. When a child, unexpectedly for you, depicts himself next to those relatives for whom he does not have warm feelings, then in this way he most often wants to reduce, neutralize, and maybe completely hush up the conflict.

4. Jealousy towards one of the parents in the family. When a child feels jealousy towards one of the parents, he tries to disguise it by suddenly “forgetting” to draw the “unnecessary” parent or, drawing him, pushes him into the background by all means. As a rule, the "interfering" parent is much shorter than everyone else, nondescript and sloppy dressed. Often a child has the patience only to depict him at least with contours. The “interfering” parent in the figure is most often “inactive”, while the beloved is busy with a common task with the child. nine0005

5. Jealousy for brothers and sisters. The harder it is for a child to cope with a feeling of rivalry that has suddenly come over him with other children in the family, the more clearly he betrays this feeling, despite the disguise. Usually the younger one is jealous of the older one, and the older one is jealous of the younger child in the house. But the hardest thing is for the average: his love for his parents is shared with him by two at once - both the youngest and the oldest. It is even more difficult for little jealous people in large families. Often a brother is jealous of mom and dad for his sister, a sister is jealous of her brother. In short, in any family with several children, there is always a soil on which jealousy grows. And you, parents, must remember this in order to uproot even its first sprouts. nine0005

Usually the child who is jealous is drawn close to the parents or close to them. Often a drawing begins with this child in order to draw your attention to the "pet"; a jealous person either carefully, literally to the details, outlines his entire figure, increasing his height and dressing him up in catchy clothes, once again emphasizing how the “darling” lives well in the family, or, forgetting about all the precautions and “cracking down” on his “tormentor” "at least on paper, depicts him with contours in mourning colors to make it clear to you how the "favorite" is unpleasant to the artist himself. If jealousy is so strong that your child is unable to cope with himself, he inadvertently suddenly "forgets" to include his brother, then his sister, or both at once, in his family circle, although he remembers their existence in the house. There is another option .. To attract the attention of parents, a jealous person, carefully drawing brothers and sisters, leaves no room for himself in the drawing or depicts his fragile figure away from everyone, emphasizing that he is superfluous. nine0005

If there are several children in your family and one of them during the test in the drawing only depicts brothers and sisters next to you, “forgetting” to draw himself, or draws himself away from everyone, think about what is the reason for the discomfort young artist and is it your fault.

6. Incomplete family. Perhaps the most severe trauma in childhood is the divorce of parents. The child simply does not understand how his beloved dad (most often dad leaves) or mom, without whom it is generally impossible to live, can leave home, and for a long time, forever. And somewhere in the depths of his soul, considering himself the culprit of the events, he wants and dreams of returning the past, placing everything in the old, former, places so convenient for him. nine0005

In addition, the child wants to hide the conflict from outsiders, especially when you are not conducting the drawing test. Therefore, usually all family members are present in the figure, even if they are already former. Moreover, the parent who does not live in the house is portrayed last, after lengthy reflections, pauses, nibbling pencils. The child, like Hamlet, has to make a choice: "to be or not to be"... draw... or not worth it... And if the choice is made to draw anyway, the missing family member is drawn as if he is real and very often even bears many resemblances to the artist himself. Often such a member of the family is depicted as a vague outline, and between him and everyone else there are various objects, pets, neighbors, relatives and friends or friendly strangers - the phenomena of the magical dreams of a child, in short, all those who can soften the fate of the young artist. nine0005

When a child is already getting used to and in his own way accepts that he has an incomplete family, he draws everything as it really is. And in order to show us once again that he doesn’t care, he compensates for the absence of a parent with some other details that are important for him at the moment. As a rule, an incomplete family depicted by a child almost always has a buffer zone in the picture, a zone of hope, a zone of conjecture and dreams of the child, therefore, at any moment, an incomplete family can turn into a complete one. nine0005

7. The only child very often draws himself between mom and dad. When there are no conflicts in the family, he is the main link in the unification of parents. The smaller the distance between the child and the parents, the closer the members of the whole family are to each other, the stronger the kindred feelings that bind them. When not all is well in the family or during a period of romantic love for parents, the family idyll in the form of a triad - mom, your child, dad or dad, your child, mom - collapses. And in the drawing of a young artist, the sequence of arrangement of all family members can have many options. And in a chronic conflict situation, with a pronounced lack of communication in the family, the child, like an alien, is looking for new contacts outside the family and “complements” his family with those who have never lived in their house, but with whom he can take at least soul. Most often, the only child, talking about the family, depicts the type of parental upbringing. nine0005

Recognition of types of upbringing by drawings

Let us give examples of the most common variants of drawings of various types of upbringing of children. Read about the types of parenting you can here>>>>.

1. Family idol. With this type of upbringing, the child most often begins to draw a family from the image of himself, and his figure is in the center of the sheet of paper. Parents are a little further away, admiring him. The size of their figures is lower or on a par with the size of the figure of their idol. The artist distinguishes himself with bright outfits; a crown often flaunts on his head. And little girl idols almost always identify themselves with young princesses. The outfit of the parents is much more prosaic and serves as a gray background for comparison. Against this background, the idol looks like a holiday among everyday life (see Fig. 3 below). nine0005

2. Overcare. The child begins to draw a family from the one who takes care of him the most. Then he draws himself next to him. Usually overprotective children are close to mom and dad, or at least hold their hands tightly. Rather, mom and dad themselves hold the child’s hands tightly. When the child in the picture does something, the parents admire him, not taking his admiring glance off him. With this type of upbringing, the child is shorter than the parents, only sometimes being on a par with them. His clothes are very similar in color to the outfit of mom or dad, and sometimes both at once: he does not strive, like an idol, to be a holiday against the backdrop of everyday life, knowing full well that overprotection for him is a kind of Chinese wall, inspiring once again self-confidence. nine0005

3. Hypoguardia. With this type of upbringing, the child most often expresses his attitude to what is happening with various variants of drawings. It is not uncommon for him, carefully portraying his entire family, to suddenly “forget” to draw himself among everyone. And to the questions: "Where are you?", "Why did you forget?" - comes up with the most ordinary versions that justify his absence at the moment: "In kindergarten", "I'm walking in the yard", "The teacher detained me at school."

The polar version of this variant, when for some reason the child of all family members prefers to draw only himself, while claiming that no one is at home: the parents went to the cinema, to visit someone, did not come home from work .. . nine0005

When a child still draws his family completely, he once again emphasizes the disunity of its members with large gaps of space between them, involuntarily suggesting that each family member here exists only on his own, he is not

I think it's a dysfunctional family. And on this basis 4 suicide attempts

Requests for helpWrite your story

Good day, my name is Dmitry, I am 22 years old, I live in a small town in Ukraine. nine0005

How I got to this site. .. For a long time, back in my school years, I actively studied the causes of teenage suicide, statistics, methods - in general, everything related to this. And this interest in me arose not just like that.

I have what seems to me to be a very dysfunctional family. And on this basis, 4 suicide attempts, 3 of them - demonstrative. The first attempt, which is the real one, was at the age of 6. From childhood to this day, almost every day I listen to screams, insults, humiliation, curses from my mother. And, at the age of 6, I, being a child (and children, as a rule, differ in too direct understanding of words), decided to open my veins, after the next words of my mother in the style of "how tired I am of you, how tired I am of you" (I must say that I was an almost perfect child - how can you be different with such military drill). The attempt was ridiculous, I went to the bathroom when everyone was at home, and began to scratch my hand with a knife, and almost immediately my grandmother "burned" me. She stopped me but didn't say anything to anyone. And, apparently, in vain - the silence of problems and "alarm bells" in our family, apparently, is a tradition. Since then, several times, after the next "concerts" of my mother, with a knife to my stomach, I called my dad or friends and roared into the phone that I would cut myself now, listened to soothing speeches ... and that's it. Nobody decided anything. All problems remained on my shoulders, everyone silently watched how I live in the tyranny of my mother. nine0005

I wasn't particularly lucky with my health either (otherwise some people like to say words like "you have arms and legs - rejoice"). I am blind in one eye, my pressure prevents me from doing athletics (and fitness often gives me dizziness and nausea), I'm not talking about serious sports. I also have severe stomach problems that require a strict diet for life, and living on a diet like me is not very pleasant.

Still, family is the root of my suffering. I'll tell you more about them. Both of my parents are (or were - at least they don't come for compulsory treatment, but they definitely were with psychiatrists, my mother even lay in the appropriate clinic) officially registered with a psychiatrist. Father-a 47-year-old nonsense, several times coded drunks, degrading to the level of 10-12 years of the boy, he plays all his free time in browser games and communicates with 16 year old girls, giggles and wolves behind the laptop, nothing for happiness is more likely need to. He does not brush his teeth, does not wash things, does not clean up - he absolutely does not care, a real parasite that pollutes any place where he lives. We have already sold one apartment, because he started a brothel there and stinks the whole apartment, and now he is stinking our (mother). Mother is a schizophrenic with delusions of grandeur and painful cleanliness, but the worst thing is that almost every day she scandalizes, yells, insults and slanders me or other people. Anger and envy rushes from all holes in her, everything is bad for her, and she is a holy and sinless, unmistakable person. More than once she beat me, kicked me out of the house, said that it would be better if I had not been born, etc. And how many humiliations and bullyings like "saws all night and does not let you sleep, and tomorrow I go to study / work" I suffered - do not count. And she can't answer. All this resulted in the fact that I broke her jaw one day. Since then, by the way, she presses me less. She ruined everything for me - she dared friends from me, criticized any of my hobbies, which is why at the age of 22 I have no interest in life, took away my salary, not forgetting to reproach after that that I was sitting on her neck. In love, I also have total failures, perhaps because of such a family, because even while working, I had to beg my mother for a pretty penny to buy flowers for a girl. What kind of girl would love a sissy? And I have no choice - either live with her, giving all the money and listening to how you eat her, or run away from home from the very first salary. And I'm not ready for this, because. For 22 years, my mother taught me nothing - neither to cook, nor to wash, nor to sew, nor to make repairs (well, thanks to dad already). I grew up very dependent, because if parents paid attention to me, it was only for criticism, humiliation or "sit in your room and don't catch my eye." I "interfered" always and in everything, so the corner with the computer is the limit of my happiness, and God forbid I leave this corner when my mother is not in the spirit (and she is in the spirit about 1-2 days a week, "and then, in at any moment she can invent a reason for a scandal or find fault with trifles in the style of “what tone did you answer me, shit, you are rude to your mother!” Well, I can’t, boy, talk in a coquettish-sweet girlish voice?! Naturally, my voice is rude, especially from such a life.0005

Many people told me something like "she's your mother, you must love her." Well, excuse me, to love a person only because he gave birth to you, and feeds you (reproaching this by the way), somehow does not work. There is a quote "Give a man life and not let him live it = kill him." I am an atheist, and "to honor my father and mother" for the fact that they had sex and I was born - somehow there are few arguments for love for me. Other people tell me, "Imagine you were born a disabled person, an orphan, or something else bad" ... How can I live and be glad that someone has no legs, but I do? My friend's father, for example, is a wheelchair user, but he has a wonderful faithful wife and a relatively good son, and he is happy!!!! And I, with arms and legs, are more limited than any disabled person, because I live like in a prison! Earning money, I have been walking for the sixth year in the same jacket and for 5 years in the same winter boots, I almost have to beg for money to go to the dentist or for an ultrasound of some organ (I have such health that every year I have to do either Ultrasound, or endoscopy and treat various organs, usually the stomach). nine0005

At the age of 17 there was a last suicide attempt. Since then, I thought I grew up and can cope with stress and problems, I stopped being interested in all this ... but today I returned. Because I grew up and realized that nothing has changed. I do not know how to continue to live and why to live. I experienced the betrayal of my best friend, the girl I was engaged to "licked" in the streets with another guy while I was working, my mother continues to insult me, and I am silent ... silent and do not know what to do. I have no hobbies, because even for an unfortunate gym that costs a penny, I listen to morals (as you remember, my mother feels sorry for every penny for me, even if I earn them myself), I don’t believe in friendship, I don’t believe in love. nine0005

Fear of pain saved me from suicide, I still have it, so I’m unlikely to take this step, I just want to hear advice on how to get out of this vicious circle and make sure that there is still something to live for in life . I must say that my main priority in life is my family. Your family. Which I will build, taking into account the mistakes of my parents. But, having burned myself about girls, I am now more inclined towards a bachelor lifestyle ... And what kind of father will I be, because according to statistics, a child with my upbringing grows up to be a maniac or a psycho, and I seem to have something like that. nine0201

Desper Entero , age: 22 / 17.03.2012

Responses:

Hello. Of course your life is not sugar. But there is always a way out. You're a good guy for coming here. Together we will find a way! I understand that you are working. So why don't you rent a dorm room? Anything is better than living in this hell. You need to run away from your parents. Live separately. It does not mean to forget completely. By becoming self-reliant and independent, you will be able to communicate with them and support them. You will be a great father!!! Good husband. You understand how you can behave, and how not. I understand that you are an atheist, but I will write anyway ... I work at the temple, help needy pregnant women and women with children who find themselves in a difficult life situation. Do you know how life turns sometimes? There seems to be no way out. And it will turn out so that later, as in a fairy tale. I have seen many miracle stories. I never cease to be amazed every time. Wait, don't die yet. Everything will change. nine0005

Tatiana, age: 36/17.03.2012

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Listen, you are a very intelligent and interesting person. Everything is in order with your head, you are smart and well-read. Dima, why do you always blame all your failures on your mother? Yes, let her have a bunch of shortcomings and illnesses, but with all this, you have grown up to be a competent, logical, critical and objective person. You are absolutely logical, not banal and competently express your thoughts. With humor. It is felt that in your head - everything is laid out "on the shelves", there is complete order. And this, despite the fact that your parents turned out to be dysfunctional and asocial comrades who have rotted you all your life. nine0201 Here is one of two. Or they didn’t spread rot at you enough that they didn’t manage to break you by the time you were 22. Either you are cunning, my dear friend :)
For some reason, I think you're lying. You're just afraid of the big world, serious things, girls, etc. And you justify yourself: "I became like this because my mother morally disfigured me."
But - everything. Dima, childhood is over. You are 22 and you work. Kiss your mom on the cheek, say goodbye, and put up ads looking for an inexpensive apartment (shoot, I mean). So what is she really going to do to you? Offend? So what??? In general, I wish you courage, creativity, intelligence and health! nine0201 (P.S. My friend was in exactly the same situation as you. As soon as she started working, she immediately moved out from her mother. Now she lives for her own pleasure)

Olga, age: 25/17.03.2012

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Look for a room for yourself, and do it right today. "But I'm not ready for this, because my mother hasn't taught me anything in 22 years - neither to cook, nor to wash, nor to sew, nor to make repairs." It's a shame, my friend, give such reasons. go cook some pasta and make an omelet. nine0201 here's a lesson for you www.talerka.ru/, a man learns to cook :).

I'll also tell you about washing, buy a washing machine, you can use it. my friends and I bought a 10-year-old bu when we were students, my mother still uses it).

Yes, and start your life.

Zhenya, age: 38/17.03.2012

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Hello Dima, even if you are an atheist, you have no right to beat your mother, yes, she was wrong and cruel to you, you understand yourself, I hope deep down in my heart my advice to you is no money for your mother, forgive your mother and father and leave them, rent at least a room, it will be hard Dima ask your mother forgiveness and go to rented housing good luck

Argo, age: 29 / 17. 03.2012

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Hello, you can find my topic and you will see people in it wrote exits :)) Current they are more suitable for your case. Change the environment. Here is an example, a person leaves work without enduring labor on it (he thinks he is tired) But in fact he is not physically tired, so let him change jobs. And everyone will notice, and he himself, that there is no fatigue :) Well, I think you will understand this example. As for friendship, wow, how much more will you and I have to give up on this relationship. It can be less with love (Although the struggle for love, even already meeting a person, can be a lifetime :) And this is quite normal) As for the behavior of a maniac, and that you will raise children in the same way. actions with this type of people. You will have children, brought up and happy because you will have to do it, (I must do it for them) Such thoughts can also come up because you are simply not ready to have them. Judging by myself, I also thought that I would be a fig parent, and that I could not give them the best. And now I understand why I can’t, I don’t work, I’m bad, or helpless?! No, I'm just not ready to become a father and that's it :)) And even if there is a lot of time for online :) Good luck with everything and remember everything will be !!! nine0005

Truthful , age: 03/24/2012

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We are somewhat similar, although my parents have 3 children and I am the eldest, at
in fact, I never received due attention, I'm like
man, that you need to talk to me and say not just "hello, daughter like
at school?" and talk on duty about something serious, scandals every day
in the morning "get up ....." "go clean the room" "again like
whore dressed up you go to school (and that day I just put on red
jacket)" I'm waiting, sitting patiently and listening to this nonsense. On
You don’t pay attention to me, parents, but why are you yelling? For grades? Fuck
Yes, you yourself are to blame for this, how many meetings there were, how many times they went to school
called-NOTHING. They don't come, they almost don't see me, that's why
the only happiness in my life is my phone. With him I can
write to people who listen to me, understand. Um..it would be nice with
will meet you, the author of the story, Dima, it seems. Something like this. nine0005

FuckThisWorld, age: 03/15/2012

---

Hello, I have a slightly similar situation, which is
described on the same site. But I'm studying and I can't
I have another year to work and study. You didn’t think to move out
from the mother? Start life from a new leaf?
I was also betrayed and I got very burned, but I would go to
yours, and on your own, she moved out from her parents. You
calm down, become more balanced and find your own
love. Don't give up, they are not worth it
I would like to talk to you separately.

Cruela, age: 22 / 17.03.2012

---

Thank you all for the advice, they cheered me up :) yes, I somehow lost sight of the fact that my studies are also holding me back. I’ll finish my studies for another year, find a job and housing, everything will get better :) I want to contact the user FuckThisWorld , Write to me, we can understand and support each other

Desper Entero , age: 03/22/2012

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I must say right away: cooking, washing and cleaning - there is nothing complicated about it. Here is the repair - yes!))))))))) Well, I don’t know ... maybe it’s
because I am a girl. :)) And a person is learning this (cooking, washing, cleaning) by himself, here teachers are not needed.
Second. Yes, you are, of course, obliged to work, and even, perhaps, to give her money. But maybe start by giving her only part of
money? She does not need to know how much you earn. The rest you will spend or set aside without her demand, as you see fit. nine0201 And it seems wrong to me to remain silent in response to unfounded claims. Especially a man. Sometimes it is enough to say decisively
in a calm, firm voice: "Mom, stop talking to me in that tone!" or simply ask: "Why are you yelling at me?" - but
this, of course, if the person is adequate, and you write that everything is inappropriate for you . ..
In general, I don’t know, the situation is really complicated, I don’t undertake to give advice here, because you need to execute them, not give them ...0201 I wish you! But one thing comes to mind: You have to leave! Which, by the way, you yourself know.

Maria, age: 21 / 18.03.2012

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Hello. I'm glad you haven't lost your spirit of optimism. The story touched me. Why? Because I live in the same situation. And your story is very similar to mine. But not all girls are bad and not faithful. It all depends on the person. The most important thing, as I think, is to separate from my mother and create my own family, strong and happy. If my parents are not so hot, this does not mean that I will be a bad wife))) Maybe, on the contrary, seeing the shortcomings of the parents' behavior, just do not commit them as an object lesson. nine0005

Dasha, age: 03/27/2012

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It seems to me that household trifles are nonsense compared to pressure, maybe something else is holding you? at the next outbreak of rabies, she said, since I’m bad, I’m leaving.

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